Self-Defeating Thoughts vs. Passionate Heart

Today it is absolutely beautiful outside. The weather is perfect. As I sit outside on my back porch I am absorbing the sunlight and I am having thoughts that it would be nice if my brain felt as amazing as the weather. I guess I woke up in a funk. As of today it has been 6 months since I graduated from the university. What this means to part of my brain is that it is time to start paying off that mountain of student loans that have been collecting interest for the last 6 months. This also means that I have spent this time as a college graduate applying for countless jobs, only for me to still be employed part-time at the same place I have been for the last 3.5 years. I will be turning 29 soon. My brain tells me that I am getting too old to be a part-time working single mother. It also tells me that I need to utilize the degree that I have spent numerous years of my life fighting to obtain. I have tried telling myself that there is no rush. We have plenty of time. Then in the back of that brain of mine I hear myself tell myself that time is going to keep flying by. That I am running out of time to accomplish what I want to do for my son, for myself, for our lives. At the same time, I do not want to be stuck in some job that I do not love. I do not want to go through the motions of a job for a pay check. I want to do what I love and ultimately love what I do. In the world today it does not seem that there are many people doing that, you know, following their hearts and their passions. I am young still and have hopes to travel many places, to love, have fun, enjoy the time I have with my son, my pup, family, and friends. I hope to have a great partner to share my love and life with, to have that family, to have that job I love, and prove to myself that all the energy, love, sweat, tears, and perseverance has paid off. I know that all good things take time. I also know that I don't let others hold me back and I will be damned if I am going to let myself hold me down. I am going to kick the self-defeating thoughts away and let the light shine in. I will get where I have dreamed to be. 

To My Heart

You have been beside me my entire life. You have always let me make my own decisions regardless of how badly you knew some of those choices would end. I have stood next to you through each decision you made, even when I knew that it would only hurt us eventually. Please do not misunderstand me, we have made many wonderful decisions together. In the end most of them have been painful. Some of them have been fantastically hurtful and lessons were learned. Each time we came out more badass than the last. It never mattered how hard we struggled, independently or together, we got stronger every single time. 

Together we have been through a great deal of heartache. Each time I tried to shy away from the next bit of pain, you pushed me forward. I am terrified at every encounter that makes you beat for the first time. You always press onward and pull me along. Sometimes I wonder if you are simply addicted to the defeating crush that waits down the line. I am growing to learn that you are the strongest and the most brave aspect of me. I know that you want the best for us both. I know that you will keep pushing us through wreckage until it no longer hurts. Until we find a way that will only make us smile and fall in love everyday without ending in an ache. 

I respect that about you. I think that it is beyond amazing that you love fully regardless of the ache that inevitably will come. And it does. It will. I am smart enough now that I no longer place blame on you because I think that you are intentionally causing us pain. I can see that you are one serious badass. You are strong, beautiful, determined, and such a rarity. We live in a harsh world that lacks love. Then there you are, continually pouring yourself out into the world and into those that come our way. You do this even though you know that it will not be reciprocated the majority of the time. Most would harden themselves to avoid the blow. Not you. You are one sick and amazing gem! 

People go through life impenetrable after that first heartbreak. Most people are unwilling to go through that again. Their loss. Love is one of the most incredible feelings. It is also one of the most destructive. There is no way to love and to not experience some amount of pain. It is simply not possible. It generally deters others from doing it time and time again. Those that give up after their first, second, or whatever subsequent heartbreak... I am only sad for them. They do not know what they are missing out on. Nothing is better than love. Nothing. To live without fully loving, is to only go through the motions of life. It isn't even living. 

You and I will  love and love again. A million times over. You are a beast. A damn majestic beast. The fucking unicorn. Some will say we are fools. I do not care what they think or say. We are living and loving, fully, to the end. You are my heart. 

 

Tin Can of Wishes

There are some things that I will never understand and other things I will never attempt to understand. Now the point of even saying this is that I do not understand you. I am not sure that I ever will. I try and try a little (a lot) more. 

This is all easy. I have done nothing to complicate any situation, nor have I been forceful. I have stated my thoughts and feelings. Scary stuff. Or crazy. Perhaps even amazing (in my opinion it is this). Depends on how you view honesty. 

You have been like June bug. Back and forth. Still always attracted back to the light. 

Here it is. This can be salvaged or it can be crumbled. Either way, life will move forward for everyone. If you want to take a blind leap into something unknown and potentially wonderful, there are ways to make that happen. I have put forth my fair share of effort and I am going to leave the next step up to you. 

Leave me a tin can full of dandelions or even wishes. Say the words and actually back them up. Make a move. Let my time be valuable. It is easy if you think it is worth it. 

I have told you. If you still do not know, then you were not right for me.

A Second Chance Too Many

I will give anyone and everyone a second chance. Often followed by a third, fourth, fifth...

Very few people have turned out to have been worthy of their second chance and eventually was booted from my life after several failed follow-up chances. I have said it before, I think that everyone is capable of changing. I have gone through many minor and major changes throughout my life. There were times when it was nearly impossible, but with willpower and persistence, it paid off. I was always told that hard work was necessary in life to achieve what you seek. I was also told that the only things worth having required work. We will never truly appreciate what is handed to us. 

With all of this in mind, I am frustrated with myself. This is due to the fact that I have nearly exhausted myself trying to believe in other people. I believe in myself and in everyone else. I am nearly at the point in which some people I would rather pull off their toenails and piss in the wounds, than offer a third chance (or tenth, depending upon the person). You have burned me a time too many to come back and ask for the next redo. Fuck you. 

I am not an idiot. I am simply always hoping for the best. That has only created a struggle. This is my life. I am my life. Some of you are a permanent part of my life story. Some of you show up in each chapter, some every page, others only a guest appearance, and some have tried to high jack my story and get in on it. I am the author and also the main character. Sounds kinda vain when I put it that way. Oh well, my story. I am in charge of this life. I am not going to deal with anymore lies, deceit, or more crap from you. I am sorry to you. I want to keep writing on in my own life book and some of your roles have ended. There will be no severance packages, your temporary roles through this journey are payment enough.

Collide

I would do amazing things to you. You could do beautiful things to me. Take the words as they are, or completely reinvent them. I mean them as they are said. Yet there may possibly be other meanings hidden within each of those words. The possibilities are endless and could shatter us. Beautifully, skillfully, it could stir the universe. It could also break one of our beings. Both of our beings. Either way, it would be perfect in that one moment. Whether it come and go or last a little while longer. All we need is that one moment to collide.

A Little Bit of Me.

I have been writing and storing posts that eventually get deleted before they make it out in the world. I did not feel serious enough to expose any of them. I am feeling light hearted and silly. I did not feel like getting into the deep and heavy. Instead here are random facts about me.

1. I love hot tea. 

2. Dandelions are incredible. I dig them. A lot.

3. Hospital socks make me happy.

4. Singing is amazing and I do it all the time. If I am feeling a little down, I turn things into a song. I also do this when I am happy. I pretty much do it all the time. On another note, I do not do this well. 

5. I think I am hilarious. I make myself laugh, hard, several times a day. 

6. I am a fan of dancing. I like to dance, often. 

7. Those red notification circles on my phone bother me. 

8. I like to do laundry and I do not mind folding clothes. 

9. I enjoy reading. It is like living a different life, temporarily, one page at a time.

10. The best thing I have ever written is an ongoing project in my mind. 

11. I bruise easily. On any given day my legs look like a child's. 

12. I am terrible at surprising people and I cannot buy gifts in advance without telling people what it was that I got them. 

13. I still plan on going to Africa. Before I can do this I need to get a real job that pays me real money. No more Krabby Bucks.

14. I prefer the company of animals over people. Animals are always genuine. 

15. I graduated from college. Twice. 

16. I think playing in the mud is pretty rad. 

17. I wish more people said rad. 

18. My son is the coolest and funniest dude. 

19. I read to my son every day. He also reads to me. 

20. I sometimes do things that are not socially acceptable and that is okay with me. I have fun doing it and that is all that matters. 

Beyond these things, there are millions of other little and big aspects of me that make me who I am. I have incredible people in my life that contribute to my world and who I am today. I love them and all their little bits of crazy. Apparently they must feel the same way about me because they have been by my side for my whole life or the majority of it. So let's keep at it and do more crazy. 

Tight Pants, Half Shirts, And Hook Ups

I am a 28 year old single mother. I am still quite young. However, there are times, such as last night, when I feel old and out of place. My friend and I went to a bar to see a band play, that I wanted to see. She came with me because she is a true friend. She may not have wanted to see the band and she may not be fond of the agenda. I know. Anyhow, here we are, at the bar and another friend comes to join us. Good stuff. As I am looking around at everyone else in the place and out on the street, I start to wonder what happened. When did pants get so tight and high waisted? When did said pants begin to get coupled with the half shirt? When did I get old and uncool? The clothing mentioned is not terrible, but just know that it does not look good on everyone. Maybe a quarter of people rocking that outfit looks good in it. Maybe. For me, I cannot pull it off. Or I guess I should say that I am not even going to try.

Like I said, I am looking around the place, talking with my girls, and starting to think that we might be a little out of place. All these young gals in their high waisted, tight, skinny jeans/ glossy leotards, and tiny shirts, and us... In clothes. Whole clothes, fitting clothes, we are comfortable. So comfortable that I was actually wearing my pajama shirt. No one knew and I was good. We listened to the band play. The Flesh Pets. I thought they sounded good. I am glad that I got to see them play. I had a great time out, to tell the truth.

But as we are there and I am getting the impression that I am too old for the crowd, it hits me that I do not feel old because I don't dress like these girls do. I feel old because I am no longer interested the things that these ladies are just now getting into. Hook ups.

We live in a society that loves instant gratification. For sure. I want it and I want it right now. If I get what I want right in this moment, I will discard it almost immediately afterward because it wasn't everything I hoped it would be. It wasn't perfect. If I have to put a little effort into maintaining what I wanted and keeping it, screw it. I don't want to work at it. I just want it to be perfect... As is! Out and onto the next. People are easily disposed of in society today. People do not connect and people do not try to make anything work. This is not true about everyone, but a lot of them. And why? Because they freaking can! Enough said.

I look at this girl last night. Damn, she loves him. It is sad (For her, not for me). Okay, maybe a little sad for me, but only because I know that feeling. She is in love with a man that won't love her back, for whatever reason. I do not even know their story, history, anything. All I know is that she is hopelessly devoted and in love with a man that may or may not realize that he is stringing her along. She follows him around nearly everywhere he goes and spends the rest of the time staring at him with these love sick eyes. She wants him for herself. For keeps. It almost seems (as an outsider perspective and not based on actual information) as though he values their friendship, but enjoys the perks of her devotion. He is not an asshole. She is just as much, if not more, to blame. I know this. I have been there. I am there. But there comes a time when that is not enough. You don't know what you want? I get that. I got it. I am not okay anymore with being something you try to hold onto for comfort, and maybe some bullshit ego inflation, while you try to figure it out. I am better than that and if that other person does not feel that way or see it, they can find some thoughtless vagina void at bar close any random night of the week. The hooking up is not for me. I am not going to warm your sheets while you attempt to figure out your world. Maybe it works for other people. I am not that person. It is not the lifestyle I am choosing. I warm my own sheets fine by myself. Truly connecting with someone and writing my own personal fairy tale is what I am after. If that means the ups and downs mixed with endless talks, work, sacrifice, and compromises, that is fine by me. I have never been afraid to work for something, especially if that something is worth having in the first place.