Rambling of a Brain

19 July 2014
When you look in my eyes, my soul ignites. There are moments in which I refuse to gaze into your eyes, as I know it will consume me. It will tug on my heart. When you kiss me, it shakes my being. I slip into feeling. I whisper and plead within my mind that you will only kiss me truly. Not kiss me because it seems to be the only option. Kiss me because you long to do so. Or do not kiss me at all.

I sometimes believe that I have gotten myself in over my head. I fall in easily. I often care too much. I take in all of the feelings. I break my own heart more often than not. I feel with my whole heart. When I love, I love fully. I have let this love blind me from what was true. I have drowned in love.

I don't want to be part of a game.

I was recently (as of last night) told that I cannot reverse my feelings. Meaning that I have them now and cannot will them away. I like to think otherwise. I know that she was right when she said that to me. She is always the one willing to tell me what I already know, but do not wish to believe. Thank you!

Distance. To save myself, I recognize that I start to pull away. From the person, the feeling, it all. I do not want to be all in when I know that it is only going to hurt. I do not want to be a convenience. I am a lover. I love and give fully. I am not trying to win you. This is who I am.

Maybe you do not see it. I am not going to make you. You either will or you won't. Won't. You won't see me. You won't know me. You won't look beyond what you think you already know. Don't. It isn't you. It isn't me. It just isn't. Simply. It won't be. It won't work. I won't be consumed this time.

20 July 2014

I took the time today to look myself in the eyes. Today they are grey. Deep. Beautiful. We have seen many things. They have been in love and they have been pained. They look deeply. When they look into your eyes, they are looking to see your heart. When they avoid your eyes, they are looking to avoid spilling mine.
Yesterday, I was told that I am gorgeous. I laughed it off. I have never learned how to take a compliment. At my laughter, the other party told me that each morning when I wake up that I should know and believe that I am gorgeous and if I don't, well then they just do not understand. Thank you. That was oh so sweet and I probably needed to hear such.
I would not say that I believe I am gorgeous. I look fine. However, I think my true beauty lies further under my skin. It resides in my head and more so in my heart.
I have been on a serious emotional up and down for the last couple weeks. Most days I wake up in a cloudy funk, but by the time I am ready to tackle the day, I am ready to take on the world. Other days I spend the entire day blinded by the fog in my brain.
Today has started off hazy. Melancholy. Not depressive, but thoughtful. Pensive. Maybe it is the overcast sky, the alignment of the planets, or my brain. Perhaps a nice little helping of them all.

22 July 2014

Vulnerable. This is not a state that I often put myself in. It can be frightening and there is a great deal of uncertainty in what may come from opening myself up and becoming vulnerable. As of lately, I have opened myself up gradually and exposed my inner workings to those that I surround myself with. 

Generally this exposure is quite the rare occurrence. I either put on my happy face and tell the world we are okay. Or I isolate, so I do not have to say anything at all. 

I have allowed myself to get a little more uncomfortable. To tell the truth, it is not nearly as bad as it seems. If I have told you how I truly feel, don't take it for granted, because I do not take it lightly. If I choose to open myself to you, it means that I am letting you in. I am breaking down the walls that I have skillfully built, in order to offer a part of myself to you. 

There were no take backs. I showed you me. The core. Raw. 

You can take it or leave it. If you so choose to leave it, then as another feeling, breathing, bleeding human, with a heart, the kindness in doing so would be to state that intention. Leaving it open with no response. Nothing. To me, that is considered rude. So you have it. Do as you wish.

Impersonal Touch through Technology

My last two posts were on a more personal level. Today, I simply needed an outlet for venting what has been spinning through my mind today. I have been thinking that in society today that everything has become impersonal and completely disconnected. Yes, there are pros to this, but I believe that there are far more cons.
Technology has made it to where we do not have to interact with other humans anymore. I am just as guilty as the next person. I do love having my iPhone, my computer, and Netflix. I have everything I need just a tap or click away. What more is there to want? Right? There have been times (as I can be a recluse) in which I absolutely loved having all of this technology.
Today, and in recent months, I have felt the weight of this burden. The burden of technology and the burden of human interaction slowly slipping away. Come September, I have been without a Facebook page for two years. The horror! Haha! Seriously though, without having this, I have shunned myself from the world. I still have a phone. I still can make and receive phone calls and text messages. I still have the same phone number that I have had for the last 12 years. I have lived at the same address for over 7 and a half years. I have not gone anywhere. I have not moved into the desert without any means of being contacted. I simply do not have a Facebook profile.
My post from 2 weeks ago, I mentioned going out with a best friend for her bachelorette party. While we were out, she told me that she missed me and that I should get a Facebook again so we can stay in touch better. I told her that she can call me or send me a text message and she let me know that doing that was too much work because she is already always on Facebook and could just pop a message my way.
I do not know how much Facebook has changed in the last nearly two years, but sending a text message is incredibly easy. Or it is for me.
Without a Facebook, I do not know what is going on with friends or family. I call, send text messages, and pictures of my growing son to those that I think may be interested in hearing from me.
I do not want a Facebook. I do not need a Facebook. I have enjoyed this time in not having one. My family and some friends catch me up on the occasional drama that occurs in the social networking world. On the other side of it, I tried to download an application from the Apple App Store yesterday and found out that I HAVE to have a Facebook to use it. It did not tell me before I downloaded it that I needed a Facebook account. I did not find out until it was already loaded onto my phone and I went to use the application. Needless to say, it got deleted. Seriously? That is the only way to log in. Sigh. Oh well.
That aside, what really bothers me is that we do not have to talk to people anymore. We can send a quick text message. Which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. I still do enjoy the random phone call. The card or letter coming in the post.
With technology, it seems like we stopped caring about feeling. With technology, dating is nearly impossible and ridiculously impersonal. Just shoot me a text message, tell me to have a great day, and do it again tomorrow. Freaking awesome. Or I send you a text message and never get a reply. Yes, life is busy and things happen. I am guilty of not sending a prompt reply. I am guilty of taking days to reply. This is not because I am being a dick. This is because of many reasons. Sometimes I get busy and the message gets pushed down. More often than not I reply, think I tapped 'Send' and go about my day. Eventually I start to wonder why that a-hole never responded to me. Oops! That is because I am the a-hole and have the message still sitting there waiting for it's journey to the other side. Yes, okay, I never said I was perfect. I did mention that I was guilty of this, as much as the next fella.
I apologize, my thoughts were not completely collected in an organized manner prior to starting this post.
 I am learning that we can easily cast things and people aside much more quickly through technology. Why talk about any issues or why tell someone you think it is best to part ways? We have this amazing bit of technology that makes it easy to ignore someone. Holy cow. Send me a text message and tell me, "Hey. It has been great, but I am going to go my way and you should probably go your way." Thank goodness for that bit of honesty. Now I can move forward and not be wondering what the heck is going on.
What really is bothering me is that my class reunion for our 10 years was this last weekend. Or through yesterday. I was not invited to this event. Nor were several other people that I still am in contact with from high school. Apparently there was a private and select group or event created on Facebook to invite a select group of people to the reunion. I was not invited, as I just mentioned. Maybe because I do not have a Facebook. To be honest, I do not know that I would have been invited even if I did. I do not know that I was part of the right crowd. I doubt I was. I would not have even gone, had I been invited. It is just the lack of thought that bothers me.
Each year when I have my son's birthday (he turned 6 this year), I mail out invitations. Through the actual post. We have a party and afterward, I handwrite thank you cards and again sent them through the post to the person's home address. I also do this around Christmas and the coming year. I love to send post. I love to get it. I love a good phone call. A quick text message is just as good. I love to see the person I am talking to. Be able to reach out and touch them, if it is necessary to do so, or the urge strikes me. To see their face and get an idea of how they REALLY are. To actually know I am being heard and for that person to know I am hearing them.
Technology is a blessing. I definitely am a fan of it. At 1 in the morning, when I cannot sleep, have finished reading the current book, and am ready for something new, I can turn on my nook and borrow a book, right that moment, from the library or download the e-book from amazon. I also enjoy it when I want to catch up on some silly show. I can turn on my Netflix and watch 4 straight episodes until my eyelids begin to droop. I do not have to wait for weeks to see an episode of something.
On the other hand, I think that it is starting to pull us apart from one another. What I am saying is, I miss you humans. Send me a letter or call me up. Ask to meet at the book store or to have a quick drink.
xo

Drummer Girl

Two weeks ago, I posted my last entry. Since then, I have done what it is that I have needed to do for quite some time. I have been talking with friends and meeting up with friends. It has made a big difference. I have enjoyed being in contact with all my girls (women, I mean!). Common themes have been occurring within each of our lives.
It has to deal with love. Or the lack of true love. Forgive me, I am currently catching up on Once Upon a Time on Netflix. We have all, at one time or another, perhaps even several times, settled for a love much less than we deserve. We have all done this for our own personal reasons. My reason is believing in the love, the brighter side of it, and believing that change is possible. Now, I am not saying change is not possible. However, in order for change to be possible, the individual has to be willing to do so. Someone will not change simply because I believe that they are able to change.

That is not the point of this rant.
I know that this true fairy tale type of love exists out there. I know that each person deserves this love. I know I deserve this love.

I have been consciously and unconsciously pushing myself. More or less pushing myself to find me. Or I suppose to find what it is that I believe I want and/or need. I want to love and be loved. Not enough to settle for less than I know I deserve. It has been quite a while since I have been in a real relationship. It has been even longer since I have been in a relationship in which I could see a future with the other person. I have had my heart broken. As I have broken a heart or two, including my own.
Though this heart break that has occurred throughout my life, it has given me more depth and insight. It has only helped to fuel the fire in my heart and soul. Not in a negative aspect, but in a positive way. I have seen my own darkness. I have thrown gas on the inferno inside my soul. I have gone through periods in my life when I believed I was being punished, damned, and in which I knew I was only punishing myself. I have been through hell and come out again. Brighter, lighter, and stronger.
I know what I seek is out in the world. I know that I will find it when the time is right. I know that it will help me to continue to grow and strengthen me. I no longer will try to force it to be. When it comes, I will be ready and I will know. Until then, I am beating to the rhythm and drum of my heart. My love for me and my life. Through the good and the bad, the ice and the fire, I am worth what I seek. As are you.

Stating My Needs

Slightly more than a month has passed since I met him. Let me pause now. In order to move forward with this, I suppose it would be important to go to the initial contact.
Saturday night, I was out with a best friend and several other ladies. This particular night out was to celebrate her engagement and coming marriage. The established practice of the bachelorette party. To be honest, I had looked forward to this outing. It had been quite some time since she and I had gotten together. Not to mention the fact that I am a single woman that does not get out quite as often as I ought to do.  Over the course of the night, we consumed our fair share of alcohol. Some perhaps more than their  fair share. Throughout the night, I connected with these ladies,  danced, and let go. Toward the end of the night our group met up with the bachelor party. This is how we met.
Several times through the night, he attempted to strike up a conversation. These conversations were repeatedly interrupted. To end the night, I drove him home. He invited me in and I declined. That was not where I was, mentally or emotionally, at that moment. He did ask for my number and I gave it to him. He did send me a text message the next day. I was busy and it slipped my mind. Life happens. After work on Monday I received a message from the previously mentioned best friend. She was telling me that I should reply to him whether or not I am interested. I agree, that is only fair.
I do reply back to him. I believe (though I have no proof), that I apologized for my lack of communication. We began talking at this point.
Now that I am caught up, it did not go as I had thought. I will be the first to admit that I made the mistake in those thoughts. Expectations. It gets me more often than not. I was initially cautious. I was wrongly under the assumption (again, my mistake), that he was perhaps looking for something more serious. I do not want to get pulled along, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I did not want to hurt him, specifically.
Cautious. Sigh. I should have stuck to this method. However, I am always the one to be cautious. As we talked and spent fleeting moments together, I began to realize that I did like him. I actually did. As much as I had previously thought it could be me doing the heart breaking, I hadn't the slightest concern for what else could come. Silly girl. I thought it was going smoothly.
A week ago, I started to sense that it was a bit off. I became aware that he was pulling out. Being who I am, I was confused. Hurt. More the former than the latter. On a side note, I can admit that I am a bit of a bleeding heart. Emotionally driven at times.
This is when I needed to have voiced my concerns. Scratch that, it was not a concern at all. What I mean is that I could have used the opportunity to express myself. I ended up talking myself out of doing so because I did not want to come across as needy. Looking back, stating my wants and needs is not needy at all. Having done so would have been standing up for what I want. Expressing where I am in life and what I am looking for is powerful. I would have been taking care of me. This is my life. Before we got to me ever saying anything, he let me know that he was not sure what he wanted. Again, I let the chance to be heard slip through silently on my breath and accepted it as it was. I understand. I have been there before. I do like you. Blah, blah, blah. I meant what I said, but it is in what I did not actually say that is what really matters. I am worth more than someone not knowing whether or not I am worth their time. Get it together, Tea.
Last night I had the amazing opportunity to meet up with two different friends. Surprisingly enough (or not) we are all in the same position.
After much talking through the evening, she and I realized that we know what it is that is happening. However, it is one point to know and another to practice.
At this point, if I  continue to cast my needs to the side, I will only continue to allow for it to happen. I'd like to believe that people would simply be up front, open, and honest from the start. If you do not wish to drag someone along, then don't. It is not your fault. I/we play a role in accepting to be pulled. I do not think it will cease until we say no.
When I am actually interested in another human ( which is not too often), I am more than willing to go all in. In this case, I assumed what was in store would be different. Talking about kids? Of course I said I did not want them in that moment. I am already a single mother. Am I opposed to having more children? Absolutely not. I do think it is a decision that a couple makes together.  It has been a learning experience. I am grateful. I know what I am looking for and cannot allow for myself to  accept  less. If you are unable to see what is here, it is not right that I should have to prove this to you.

Being a Friend

I haven't posted in quite a while. I have been doing most of my mind sorting inside my mind and with my loved ones. I have more on my mind right now than I am actually capable of talking out...and frankly, I am tired of talking today.
Currently, I am stuck thinking about what sort of friend I want to be, what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of people I want to surround myself with.
I haven't always been one hundred percent available to my family and friends. I like to believe that I am doing a much better job today than over a year and a half ago. I have put forth some effort into being more involved in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.
That doesn't mean I think I am the ideal friend or perfect, by any means. I am a human. I am still not always available for everyone and everything. In all honesty, I am not always available to myself.
The people that are close to me in my life, family or friends, mean the world to me. I would do anything I could for them and I would be there for any of them in a heartbeat. I consider all of my close friends to be my family. Holly, you are my sister, through and through, you mean more to me than words can describe. You have helped me more than I could ever express. I couldn't do the things that I have done without you in my life. You are a blessing and you mean so very much to me. I love you, eternally. Stef, if you ever read this, you have been with me through nearly half of my life. I want to be there for you. Ask and you shall receive. I'm here and I love you with all my heart. Okay...I'm not going to do "shout outs" to everyone, but all of you know who you are and what you mean to me.
The situation that is weighing on my mind the most is one that would take far too long to catch up on. Vague...I know. This is the basics: if I am your friend, I only have the best intentions in my actions and dealings with you. I would not purposely disrespect you, your friends, and certainly not your family. I only ask that my friends would treat me in the same manner. Truthfully, I don't even believe that I should have to ask that out of you. I once believed that to be common sense or perhaps an unspoken rule.
If I know that you are struggling with finances, insurance issues, work, stress, drama, or whatever it may be... or maybe all of the above at once, the last thing I want to do is add more stress to your life. As a friend, I want to do what I can to help lighten your load. Financially, I can't really do much to help out at this point in my life, but I can be there in other ways. I certainly want to be there in the good times and the bad. I hope that my friends would want the same.
Today, I am tired of playing a victim of my life. I know the roles that I have played in the good and the bad that has happened in my life. Things don't just happen to me, they happen for me. I would never be where I am today without the good and the bad. I am happy and I am fortunate enough to know today that life didn't screw me over in my times of hardship. I helped create those hardships. I am grateful for this moment (even if it doesn't last beyond this moment) that I am not feeling sorry for me. To my family and friends, thank you for standing by my side in some shape or form and helping me get to where I am today.

Jameson Items

My best friend, Holly and I wrote this blog March 16. It was posted on her blog page, but I never posted it to my own. I have been thinking about this particular post for nearly a week now and decided that it is worth the repost/reminder to myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen! For your reading pleasure... a tandem entry... offered to you from me and my most favoritest tandem partner, Tea Cup- some of you may know her as Grateful Mama... Some years back, when we first met, Tea and I went on the great tandem bike ride of '05... it is really an entirely different story, but the point is- riding a tandem bike is a lot like a relationship....it is super tough, and takes a lot of work...So, we have been sitting brainstorming this shopping list concept and thought we would jot it down for laughs...or maybe future reference...so here it goes...

Pooling our past experiences, we have come up with a few items collectively that are deal breakers, while we use first person singular, we mean we :) This is a list in progress, we reserve the right to amend as we see fit! Besides, we aren't going shopping just yet anyway, these are just things we think most girls would agree with!

Item 1- a sense of humor, and a healthy amount of wit and sarcasm are essential!!... That is, one must be able to both take it and dish it out...For example, say I am at a man's house, he is tired and is kindly asking me to go. He states, "I am tired, I probably need to get some sleep." I respond (even saying this with laughter!), "You're kicking me out?!" He looks at me, offended, and simply states, "Are you kidding? Yes!" So, needless to say... sarcasm, very important.

Item 2 Mood Swings! Meaning experiencing the complete range on the emotional spectrum... not just happy all the time, but sad, angry, excited, silly, stupid, arrogant (sometimes...a dude that is cocky all the time...not ok.)etc. The second half of that is to be able to experience the emotions of your partner as well... and not "don't be sad" Just let me fuckin feel it, I don't need someone to fix me, I just want someone to feel me while giving me space.

Item 3 Modern Day Chivalry- I want some one who will stand up for me... Like if we are out and someone says or does something that is fucked up to me, I want someone who will step up. This is different than fighting my battles for me, I am a big girl, and can do that on my own, but if we are partners than I want to know you've got my back. Open my door for me once in a while...cook dinner WITH me! If I am wearing heels ESPECIALLY if drinks are involved- offer me your fuckin arm!

Item 4-Accountability- Not saying I will be wrong often, but in the rare instance that I am, I want someone who will call me on my shit- in the most loving caring way... This could also be described as having a backbone... I want you to be able to stand up for yourself, I will stand up for you, by you, with you, but you need to have a substantial amount of inner strength. Make me accountable, but don't be domineering about it...and be accountable to yourself as well.

Item 5-Communication and Connection- This could easily be number one, it is so important for me to be able to say what I feel and I expect the same...totally done with unspoken expectations, misunderstandings and fights because the other half refuses to communicate... there really is no need to argue if we can both talk to each other in an open an honest way...Connection comes in many different forms, there is the emotional connection, but just as important is the physical... not that sex is everything, but, it is pretty important...and I am not talking about fucking (although, a good fuck is a good fuck) but making love, a good lover is so important, someone who is present, in that moment, someone who is as attentive to my needs as I am to theirs. Making love is the ultimate communication and connection in harmony.

Item 6-Ability to find the fun in EVERYTHING!!! Sure, it won't always be rainbows and unicorns, life is hard sometimes, but it doesn't mean the tedious tasks in life can't be fun if you do them together... whats wrong with having a dish soap fight every once in a while?! I want to enjoy every moment in life, so I need a partner who wants the same...

Item 7 - As Is Clause - This is important. I want a man that I like and love, as is. I expect the same from him. I am not looking to buy this house, that I say I love, only to turn around and decide I would actually love this house if it were a completely different home.When I say I'll take you, I meant as is.

Item 8 - Romance in the pants! Okay, not entirely, but romance is a must. I am not asking that you fly me out of the country to wine and dine on a whim. I am looking for the random and occasional, just because, romance. Its the little things that let me know your thinking of me...leave me a random note, leave a flower on my car, run your fingers through my hair...give me a massage... tell me I am beautiful, HOLD MY HAND!!! To me, romance is as much about the thought as it is the action...

Item 9 - Spontaneity - Please, I ask that we have every moment of our individual and coupled lives not be planned. We do not always need to just have sex on the bed. The kitchen counter might be nice. Tie me up, if you must. On that one Sunday when we might just be enjoying our time together, let's hop in the car and go somewhere. Who cares where it takes us? Be excited about the journey and forget about the destination. Where ever we end up is going to be perfect.

Item 10 - Family and friends - These are two of the largest aspects and loves of my life. Finding someone that understands the depth of my love and commitment to these two areas of my life is beyond important. In a partnership, there is obviously going to be a bit of give and take. Perhaps you have a family member in the hospital, the hospital is not exactly my favorite place in the world, but it is your family. That is what is important. If there is an aspect of your life that is important to you, it will be important to me and I will be there by your side. I am a package deal. You can tell me that you love me as much as you so please, but by being there, you will show me.

Item 11 - Goals and dreams - It is crucial that there be goals and dreams in your heart and mind. However, there should be some balance between being a dreamer and being realistic. Having goals and dreams gives us a little extra push in life. That doesn't mean that your head ought to be spent wandering about the clouds day in and day out. I am not asking that you have dreams to end all war and poverty, let's face it, you probably won't get there. However, if you have a goal such as obtaining a career... or bettering yourself in some way that is definitely a plus... And supporting my dreams and goals is equally important

There Will Come A Time

I woke up this morning with the idea that I had something to say. I sat down to unload whatever message it is that my heart feels it needs to release, but I am not entirely aware of what needs to be said.

Perhaps I am simply not welcoming what my heart needs to express. Or maybe I forgot to pick up the newest version of Rosetta Stone and there is a communication barrier. There is also the possibility that I was only hoping my heart had something to say.

I do know that I have felt under-appreciated by some people in my life. It has, at times, seemed as though some of my relationships with people are one sided and it is all on my side. I have a decent amount of patience. However, we all have a breaking point. There comes a time when I have to question whether all the work and effort I put into something, in order to get nothing, is even worth it in the long run. I know that I would certainly think twice about attending college for 8 years if I knew there would be no degree for me in the end. Why spend all of the money, pile up debt, spend hours upon hours engrossed in textbooks, papers, and research, when I know there is no reward at the end? I was once that friend on the other side of the one sided relationship. Shame on me. That was just where I was at that point in my life and I wasn't able to provide more than what I could. I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself together. Trying to be my own personal hero. I don't blame anyone for not being able to be somewhere that they are completely incapable of being.

I had great friends that were there for me when I was struggling with keeping up my walls and doing all that I could to keep the pieces together. It did exhaust them. I know it did. There is only so much that you can do, though. These are the very same friends that were there to help me sweep up the pieces when I finally realized that I couldn't play the martyr any longer. I have very amazing friends. They are irreplaceable.

Maybe I'm coming around.