Slightly more than a month has passed since I met him. Let me pause now. In order to move forward with this, I suppose it would be important to go to the initial contact.
Saturday night, I was out with a best friend and several other ladies. This particular night out was to celebrate her engagement and coming marriage. The established practice of the bachelorette party. To be honest, I had looked forward to this outing. It had been quite some time since she and I had gotten together. Not to mention the fact that I am a single woman that does not get out quite as often as I ought to do. Over the course of the night, we consumed our fair share of alcohol. Some perhaps more than their fair share. Throughout the night, I connected with these ladies, danced, and let go. Toward the end of the night our group met up with the bachelor party. This is how we met.
Several times through the night, he attempted to strike up a conversation. These conversations were repeatedly interrupted. To end the night, I drove him home. He invited me in and I declined. That was not where I was, mentally or emotionally, at that moment. He did ask for my number and I gave it to him. He did send me a text message the next day. I was busy and it slipped my mind. Life happens. After work on Monday I received a message from the previously mentioned best friend. She was telling me that I should reply to him whether or not I am interested. I agree, that is only fair.
I do reply back to him. I believe (though I have no proof), that I apologized for my lack of communication. We began talking at this point.
Now that I am caught up, it did not go as I had thought. I will be the first to admit that I made the mistake in those thoughts. Expectations. It gets me more often than not. I was initially cautious. I was wrongly under the assumption (again, my mistake), that he was perhaps looking for something more serious. I do not want to get pulled along, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I did not want to hurt him, specifically.
Cautious. Sigh. I should have stuck to this method. However, I am always the one to be cautious. As we talked and spent fleeting moments together, I began to realize that I did like him. I actually did. As much as I had previously thought it could be me doing the heart breaking, I hadn't the slightest concern for what else could come. Silly girl. I thought it was going smoothly.
A week ago, I started to sense that it was a bit off. I became aware that he was pulling out. Being who I am, I was confused. Hurt. More the former than the latter. On a side note, I can admit that I am a bit of a bleeding heart. Emotionally driven at times.
This is when I needed to have voiced my concerns. Scratch that, it was not a concern at all. What I mean is that I could have used the opportunity to express myself. I ended up talking myself out of doing so because I did not want to come across as needy. Looking back, stating my wants and needs is not needy at all. Having done so would have been standing up for what I want. Expressing where I am in life and what I am looking for is powerful. I would have been taking care of me. This is my life. Before we got to me ever saying anything, he let me know that he was not sure what he wanted. Again, I let the chance to be heard slip through silently on my breath and accepted it as it was. I understand. I have been there before. I do like you. Blah, blah, blah. I meant what I said, but it is in what I did not actually say that is what really matters. I am worth more than someone not knowing whether or not I am worth their time. Get it together, Tea.
Last night I had the amazing opportunity to meet up with two different friends. Surprisingly enough (or not) we are all in the same position.
After much talking through the evening, she and I realized that we know what it is that is happening. However, it is one point to know and another to practice.
At this point, if I continue to cast my needs to the side, I will only continue to allow for it to happen. I'd like to believe that people would simply be up front, open, and honest from the start. If you do not wish to drag someone along, then don't. It is not your fault. I/we play a role in accepting to be pulled. I do not think it will cease until we say no.
When I am actually interested in another human ( which is not too often), I am more than willing to go all in. In this case, I assumed what was in store would be different. Talking about kids? Of course I said I did not want them in that moment. I am already a single mother. Am I opposed to having more children? Absolutely not. I do think it is a decision that a couple makes together. It has been a learning experience. I am grateful. I know what I am looking for and cannot allow for myself to accept less. If you are unable to see what is here, it is not right that I should have to prove this to you.