Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Being a Friend

I haven't posted in quite a while. I have been doing most of my mind sorting inside my mind and with my loved ones. I have more on my mind right now than I am actually capable of talking out...and frankly, I am tired of talking today.
Currently, I am stuck thinking about what sort of friend I want to be, what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of people I want to surround myself with.
I haven't always been one hundred percent available to my family and friends. I like to believe that I am doing a much better job today than over a year and a half ago. I have put forth some effort into being more involved in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.
That doesn't mean I think I am the ideal friend or perfect, by any means. I am a human. I am still not always available for everyone and everything. In all honesty, I am not always available to myself.
The people that are close to me in my life, family or friends, mean the world to me. I would do anything I could for them and I would be there for any of them in a heartbeat. I consider all of my close friends to be my family. Holly, you are my sister, through and through, you mean more to me than words can describe. You have helped me more than I could ever express. I couldn't do the things that I have done without you in my life. You are a blessing and you mean so very much to me. I love you, eternally. Stef, if you ever read this, you have been with me through nearly half of my life. I want to be there for you. Ask and you shall receive. I'm here and I love you with all my heart. Okay...I'm not going to do "shout outs" to everyone, but all of you know who you are and what you mean to me.
The situation that is weighing on my mind the most is one that would take far too long to catch up on. Vague...I know. This is the basics: if I am your friend, I only have the best intentions in my actions and dealings with you. I would not purposely disrespect you, your friends, and certainly not your family. I only ask that my friends would treat me in the same manner. Truthfully, I don't even believe that I should have to ask that out of you. I once believed that to be common sense or perhaps an unspoken rule.
If I know that you are struggling with finances, insurance issues, work, stress, drama, or whatever it may be... or maybe all of the above at once, the last thing I want to do is add more stress to your life. As a friend, I want to do what I can to help lighten your load. Financially, I can't really do much to help out at this point in my life, but I can be there in other ways. I certainly want to be there in the good times and the bad. I hope that my friends would want the same.
Today, I am tired of playing a victim of my life. I know the roles that I have played in the good and the bad that has happened in my life. Things don't just happen to me, they happen for me. I would never be where I am today without the good and the bad. I am happy and I am fortunate enough to know today that life didn't screw me over in my times of hardship. I helped create those hardships. I am grateful for this moment (even if it doesn't last beyond this moment) that I am not feeling sorry for me. To my family and friends, thank you for standing by my side in some shape or form and helping me get to where I am today.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jameson Items

My best friend, Holly and I wrote this blog March 16. It was posted on her blog page, but I never posted it to my own. I have been thinking about this particular post for nearly a week now and decided that it is worth the repost/reminder to myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen! For your reading pleasure... a tandem entry... offered to you from me and my most favoritest tandem partner, Tea Cup- some of you may know her as Grateful Mama... Some years back, when we first met, Tea and I went on the great tandem bike ride of '05... it is really an entirely different story, but the point is- riding a tandem bike is a lot like a relationship....it is super tough, and takes a lot of work...So, we have been sitting brainstorming this shopping list concept and thought we would jot it down for laughs...or maybe future reference...so here it goes...

Pooling our past experiences, we have come up with a few items collectively that are deal breakers, while we use first person singular, we mean we :) This is a list in progress, we reserve the right to amend as we see fit! Besides, we aren't going shopping just yet anyway, these are just things we think most girls would agree with!

Item 1- a sense of humor, and a healthy amount of wit and sarcasm are essential!!... That is, one must be able to both take it and dish it out...For example, say I am at a man's house, he is tired and is kindly asking me to go. He states, "I am tired, I probably need to get some sleep." I respond (even saying this with laughter!), "You're kicking me out?!" He looks at me, offended, and simply states, "Are you kidding? Yes!" So, needless to say... sarcasm, very important.

Item 2 Mood Swings! Meaning experiencing the complete range on the emotional spectrum... not just happy all the time, but sad, angry, excited, silly, stupid, arrogant (sometimes...a dude that is cocky all the time...not ok.)etc. The second half of that is to be able to experience the emotions of your partner as well... and not "don't be sad" Just let me fuckin feel it, I don't need someone to fix me, I just want someone to feel me while giving me space.

Item 3 Modern Day Chivalry- I want some one who will stand up for me... Like if we are out and someone says or does something that is fucked up to me, I want someone who will step up. This is different than fighting my battles for me, I am a big girl, and can do that on my own, but if we are partners than I want to know you've got my back. Open my door for me once in a while...cook dinner WITH me! If I am wearing heels ESPECIALLY if drinks are involved- offer me your fuckin arm!

Item 4-Accountability- Not saying I will be wrong often, but in the rare instance that I am, I want someone who will call me on my shit- in the most loving caring way... This could also be described as having a backbone... I want you to be able to stand up for yourself, I will stand up for you, by you, with you, but you need to have a substantial amount of inner strength. Make me accountable, but don't be domineering about it...and be accountable to yourself as well.

Item 5-Communication and Connection- This could easily be number one, it is so important for me to be able to say what I feel and I expect the same...totally done with unspoken expectations, misunderstandings and fights because the other half refuses to communicate... there really is no need to argue if we can both talk to each other in an open an honest way...Connection comes in many different forms, there is the emotional connection, but just as important is the physical... not that sex is everything, but, it is pretty important...and I am not talking about fucking (although, a good fuck is a good fuck) but making love, a good lover is so important, someone who is present, in that moment, someone who is as attentive to my needs as I am to theirs. Making love is the ultimate communication and connection in harmony.

Item 6-Ability to find the fun in EVERYTHING!!! Sure, it won't always be rainbows and unicorns, life is hard sometimes, but it doesn't mean the tedious tasks in life can't be fun if you do them together... whats wrong with having a dish soap fight every once in a while?! I want to enjoy every moment in life, so I need a partner who wants the same...

Item 7 - As Is Clause - This is important. I want a man that I like and love, as is. I expect the same from him. I am not looking to buy this house, that I say I love, only to turn around and decide I would actually love this house if it were a completely different home.When I say I'll take you, I meant as is.

Item 8 - Romance in the pants! Okay, not entirely, but romance is a must. I am not asking that you fly me out of the country to wine and dine on a whim. I am looking for the random and occasional, just because, romance. Its the little things that let me know your thinking of me...leave me a random note, leave a flower on my car, run your fingers through my hair...give me a massage... tell me I am beautiful, HOLD MY HAND!!! To me, romance is as much about the thought as it is the action...

Item 9 - Spontaneity - Please, I ask that we have every moment of our individual and coupled lives not be planned. We do not always need to just have sex on the bed. The kitchen counter might be nice. Tie me up, if you must. On that one Sunday when we might just be enjoying our time together, let's hop in the car and go somewhere. Who cares where it takes us? Be excited about the journey and forget about the destination. Where ever we end up is going to be perfect.

Item 10 - Family and friends - These are two of the largest aspects and loves of my life. Finding someone that understands the depth of my love and commitment to these two areas of my life is beyond important. In a partnership, there is obviously going to be a bit of give and take. Perhaps you have a family member in the hospital, the hospital is not exactly my favorite place in the world, but it is your family. That is what is important. If there is an aspect of your life that is important to you, it will be important to me and I will be there by your side. I am a package deal. You can tell me that you love me as much as you so please, but by being there, you will show me.

Item 11 - Goals and dreams - It is crucial that there be goals and dreams in your heart and mind. However, there should be some balance between being a dreamer and being realistic. Having goals and dreams gives us a little extra push in life. That doesn't mean that your head ought to be spent wandering about the clouds day in and day out. I am not asking that you have dreams to end all war and poverty, let's face it, you probably won't get there. However, if you have a goal such as obtaining a career... or bettering yourself in some way that is definitely a plus... And supporting my dreams and goals is equally important

Thursday, May 12, 2011

There Will Come A Time

I woke up this morning with the idea that I had something to say. I sat down to unload whatever message it is that my heart feels it needs to release, but I am not entirely aware of what needs to be said.

Perhaps I am simply not welcoming what my heart needs to express. Or maybe I forgot to pick up the newest version of Rosetta Stone and there is a communication barrier. There is also the possibility that I was only hoping my heart had something to say.

I do know that I have felt under-appreciated by some people in my life. It has, at times, seemed as though some of my relationships with people are one sided and it is all on my side. I have a decent amount of patience. However, we all have a breaking point. There comes a time when I have to question whether all the work and effort I put into something, in order to get nothing, is even worth it in the long run. I know that I would certainly think twice about attending college for 8 years if I knew there would be no degree for me in the end. Why spend all of the money, pile up debt, spend hours upon hours engrossed in textbooks, papers, and research, when I know there is no reward at the end? I was once that friend on the other side of the one sided relationship. Shame on me. That was just where I was at that point in my life and I wasn't able to provide more than what I could. I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself together. Trying to be my own personal hero. I don't blame anyone for not being able to be somewhere that they are completely incapable of being.

I had great friends that were there for me when I was struggling with keeping up my walls and doing all that I could to keep the pieces together. It did exhaust them. I know it did. There is only so much that you can do, though. These are the very same friends that were there to help me sweep up the pieces when I finally realized that I couldn't play the martyr any longer. I have very amazing friends. They are irreplaceable.

Maybe I'm coming around.

Friday, April 29, 2011


First of all, thank you, Holly, for providing me with the title necessary for today. You're fabulous!

To really start this off, the name of my blog is Walking in My Own Shoes. Basically, the blog is in place to keep me aware of my journey in life and following along my own path. However, by focusing on my own path and walking in my own shoes, I do realize that there are many other routes in life and many other shoes that are filled. My path and my shoes are not the only ones that are present in this world. I do recognize that much.

Simply because I may think or feel one way, doesn't mean that everyone else I encounter or the billions of humans I will never encounter, will think or feel the exact same thing in that exact moment. Maybe they have been there before and got burned on that path. Or perhaps that path was never meant for them and they simply chose another. There are several concepts, situations, areas of life that I am particularly passionate about. I know in my heart and soul that I am set in my thinking on them. I have done the work to explore all options of those particular areas and happen to have found that my heart is set to defend my stand or my view point. My point of view works for me and fits my life. I do know that my view doesn't fit every individual. In some instances, I will provide information to others, but I will also listen to your view on the topics. I may not agree, but I think that seeing the situation from someone else's perspective is insightful. The human mind and human behavior fascinates me. That doesn't mean I think I am right, think you are right, or that I always agree. It just IS.

If you encounter me and tell me that you think or feel one way, but I don't, I am not going to tell you that you are wrong and that your feelings aren't valid. You're not wrong and your feelings are valid...for you. It just may not fit where I am in my life.

Egocentrism is basically believing that everyone sees the world as you see the world. However, we are not living in Utopia. Sorry, if you thought we were. You may be walking through life with your heart open, but that doesn't mean that everyone else is ready for such a bold and freeing move. It is a very scary step to take, especially if you have been hurt. Or if I have opened my heart and you have not, please don't dismiss that I feel, just because you aren't there.

This is my path. This is my journey. I am exactly where I need to be and want to have the freedom to feel and think what I want. You don't have to agree with where I am or what I feel, but don't push aside that I think or feel. Life isn't the personal fable that we had once believed it to be...or perhaps still believe it to be. Now, put your ego aside, this blog wasn't about you. ; ) Just a little reminder for myself. This is simply where my mind is today.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Not the Only One

I am sort of in a hurry, but there are a few things that I wanted to unload before going about my business today.

Mainly, the whole point is that I realize that I am not quite as unique as I had once hoped. Perhaps, I am gaining back more of my realistic point of view.

I know that the pain I have felt in the past is not unique to me. It has been felt by many others before me and will be felt by many others after me.

The situations I have been in, others have experienced before.

Feelings of happiness and love have been shared amongst all of us humans that feel.

My past, present, and future sufferings are not one of a kind.

Does that make the pain hurt any less when I see that others have been there before? NO. It just shows me that there is happiness on the other side. It gives me hope to push forward and not accept my suffering, by being content.

I don't want to be a martyr or a hero anymore. I do not want to carry the weight of these things on my own. The good or the bad. I want to be able to open my heart and share what I experience with my family and friends. The people that are always by my side, the ones that support me, love me, and care for me.

I don't believe that because others have been there before me or that others will be there after me, that it makes anything insignificant. It is a blessing.

I plan to push forward, share my love and happiness, and keep my heart open. I don't want to be jaded and live my life being afraid. So, cheers to not being one in a million.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Four Letter Word

It's a four letter word. Four simple letters, pressed together, making one little word. Some think that it is a bad word or a cursed word. It is just one word and sometimes saying it does nothing more than provoke fear in the person that hears it come from your mouth. Other times, the word seems to be filled with nothing more than lies. To me, this word is one that should be said with care.

Perhaps I am out one day and a small child says this word to me. I can react in several different ways. This word is easier for a small child to use, than it is for most adults. I can look at this child and mouth back the word. Is this fair to do, even if I don't know the meaning behind the word? Or, I could look at the child, tell him/her that they are sweet. There are many ways in which I can handle this encounter.

I hear this word on a daily basis. I hear it from my child, my friends, and my family. I use this word on a daily basis. I say it to my child, my friends, and my family. I have heard this word thrown about, as if with no meaning. In the past, I have said it without understanding what the word even meant. I am guilty of abusing this word. In recent years, I have began to understand. In understanding, I have encountered my own fears of those four combined letters. I have gone through times in which I believed that this word could ruin anything. There have been moments in which I have avoided saying or hearing such a thing.

Today, I am embracing the word. LOVE. Love. Love. Love. Unfortunately, for many people, it is far easier said than done. I am not any better. I have been there before. Today I am willing to love and willing to let those that I love, know that I love them. xoxo

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The In Between Space

This is sometimes the space that is in between.

Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster this week. I finally realized what I believed to be the cause of this emotional ride. I had spent time consistently putting forth the work in my life to move forward and progress. That has sort of taken a short hiatus. I had just been getting into the groove of movement and then took a small recess. Without the work and all of the play, makes mama a tired lady! I notice that I have more energy, more love, more life when I am making constant strides forward. If I sit and take a little breather, I get emotionally wired. I am not entirely sure that makes sense in writing, but it is exactly how I see what is happening. It is almost self-destructive.

Thankfully, I have had the awareness to this and will be putting forth the effort, again. Even in the days that have followed the awareness, I have been happier and don't allow the little things to get me down. There was quite a bit of things I wanted to add to this blog, I just am a tiny bit out of my element right this moment.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Day 30 - A Picture

This is a picture of me that I took yesterday. My first day back to work! This is what you look like when you watch over two hours of Fair Housing. I had a nice day at work. I spent most of the day watching training videos and reading a portion of Market Property Operations Manual. The last hour of the day I put new lease letters in the folders of clients that may be renewing their leases soon. Tomorrow, I will be learning more about how to put a client folder together, answering calls, and I will walk the model.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 29 - 3 Wishes

If I had 3 wishes, they would probably wait for a long time to be used. I would want to be absolutely sure, that I made the best possible use of these wishes. It is hard to pick 3 wishes. It seems a little selfish, too. Oh well, on with my selfish wishes.

For my first wish, I would wish for my father to be rid of his daily headaches. He has struggled daily with headaches for many years now and has found no relief. So, Dad, my first wish would go to you! I know that dealing with migraines is rough. I went through that every single day, for a year. I could not imagine having to do it any longer than a year. It seems cruel.

Second, I would wish for health, for my loved ones. Everyone in my life is pretty healthy, but I always worry. I want them all to be healthy, always.

Lastly, and selfishly, I would wish for a man in my life that could love me and my son. A man that could add to my happiness and I to his. A man that is silly, fun, smart, driven, sweet, a bit sarcastic, and can handle his own.

Okay...enough wishing and back to the real world.
I start my new job today. I am excited and nervous. I am still working through papers for childcare. Gabriel was supposed to go to his great grandma's (MieMie Z's) today while I went to work. It didn't work out that way. Around ten he started vomiting and was having stomach troubles. Needless to say, his dad made him an appointment to see his physician and he had his appointment at 11:45. I have to be at work at 1 today. I hope he starts feeling better soon. I feel bad that his dad has to take off of work, but I cannot call off on my first day. It just isn't really an option. Time to get my head out of the clouds and get ready to start my new job!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 28 - Something that stresses you out

My biggest source of stress comes from school. The stress that comes from attending school is due to several different factors. Financially, attending the school is expensive and I have had several issues regarding payment. The paperwork is another area of attending school that stresses me out. I am a dual student, meaning I attend the university and a local community college. Due to attending two schools, each quarter I have to fill out consortium agreements between the two schools in order to figure out payments. The two schools seem to have problems in completing this paperwork. UC tells me to fill out the form, send it to Sinclair, and Sinclair pretends to fill it out. Shortly after Sinclair calls me to tell me that I need to have UC fill out the form before they fill it out. I get the form, send it to UC, and UC pretends to fill it out. I get a call from UC saying that they cannot fill out the paperwork until Sinclair completes the form. This happens each quarter, regardless of who gets the forms first. It generally takes over 2 months to have two sections of a form, about 2 inches long, to be completed. It gets rather frustrating. UC is generally helpful and the people are kind, which makes this process a tad easier for me. I loathe the idea of contacting Sinclair. The conversations almost always turn out badly.
Having a deadline for graduation is anxiety provoking. I have until Spring of 2012 to graduate. This is a deadline that I already know that I cannot meet. That is about 5 quarters from now and I have nearly 9 left. So, unless I manage to come across four more of me, it just isn't going to work out. I am not going to quit, though. I am getting close enough to being done. School does give me some sense of satisfaction. I enjoy learning and doing the work (well, not always). I do know that when I am not attending school that it seems like my life is on pause and I am not doing anything productive.
Which does remind me that I am procrastinating on an assignment that needs to get done.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Day 27 - Pets

Miro. He is such a great dog. Even when he does things like eat my books while I am out of the house! He is loving and is wonderful when it comes to tolerating Gabriel's nonsense. I have had him for four and a half years. He has been the best. I love his little face. I honestly couldn't ask for a better dog.

My dog from when I lived at home with my parents, her name is Cocoa. She is a chocolate lab and had been in my life for 13 years. She is such a sweet girl. She has been so sweet with Gabriel, too. I love her like crazy.

Growing up, I had a cat named Butterscotch. He was full of overwhelming energy. I do miss that cat, though. He was a serious bundle of energy. He was born on our porch when I was very young. Out of all the kittens, he was the only one we kept. Mama kitty had to go, too. We were able to keep only one. He wasn't really the type of cat that wanted to be cuddled and loved on. He liked to just play and act like a maniac. I thought he was pretty super, regardless.

Day 26 - Picture of your family

We had pictures taken in November 2010 with the four of us and the two dogs. This is my sister Tonya, her husband Mitchell, Gabriel, and me. Tara and Cocoa are in the front. Two sweet girls. We miss Tara.

This is my father and my sister. They are awesome. I love this picture of them!

Michael, Steve, me, Tonya, Mitchell, and my dad. This was taken at Gabriel's first birthday party. This is our mustache ride picture. We are badass.

Gabriel and I in November 2010. This picture makes me happy. This is what love looks like.

Mom, Tonya, me, and Aunt Kimmie. This was taken in the summer of 2010 at Tonya's bridal shower. I don't have any current pictures of my whole family together, so this is my family in several pictures.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 25 - Shuffle

Day 25 - Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

I started this shuffle and I am realizing now that when I have 184 songs on my iTunes account and 124 of the songs are Iron and Wine, they are beginning to dominate my first ten songs. I am a big fan of Iron and Wine. Their music is good for my soul. I simply hope that other music may come up on the shuffle, though.

1. Iron and Wine - "White Tooth Man"

2. The Wood Brothers - "That's What Angels Can Do"
The Wood Brothers are great. They put a smile on my face and that is all I need.

3. Iron and Wine - "Promise What You Will"

4. Iron and Wine - "Southern Anthem"

5. Colin Hay - "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin"

6. Steve Earle - "I Thought You Should Know"
I have fallen in love with this song. It is a combination of his voice and the lyrics that makes me love it.

7. The Wood Brothers - "Time to Stand Still"

8. Nirvana - "Dumb"
Nirvana. Speaks for itself. Kurt Cobain was something else.

9. Iron and Wine - "Jezebel"
This song is beautiful.

10. Leftover Salmon - "Lovin' in My Baby's Eyes"
This one simply warms my heart.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Day 24 - Something you've learned

I have been trying to put into words what it is that I believe I have learned. My life has been a learning experience, as is everyone elses'. I know that there have been a great deal of lessons I have learned in just the last year.

I have learned that I allow myself to be hurt by others because of unspoken expectations that I have for myself and for them. This is something that I never really noticed in the past.Now that I have the awareness, I see it arise more. There was a situation that happened not that long ago when someone made a comment to me and I was instantly upset. Before I allowed myself to respond, I thought through why it made me upset. It made me upset because I took what was said personally, then I wanted to react in anger and hurt them in the same manner. After I actually walked myself through that, I explained what I felt and what happened. I was able to move past it without all of the drama that I would have created in the past.

Life has shown me that pain does bring about change. I have found that this change is generally for the better.

A few other things I have learned:

What love is and what it is not.

What/who friends are and what/who friends are not.

The love and forgiveness of children.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 23 - Favorite Vacation

One of my favorite vacations was staying at Norris Lake with my family. My mom's maternal family would rent a cabin/house on the lake and tons of us would go there and stay. The year that was my favorite, my parents, my friend Leah, and I camped in the yard. The property was large and beautiful. The house was very nice, but we didn't really spend much time inside. We spent most of our time sitting on the dock, on the boat, or the jet ski. We stayed at the lake for several days. Spent a lot of time outdoors and in the sun. At night we would have a fire. Some of us thought it was a good idea to throw fireworks into the fire and see what would happen. It turned out that it wasn't really a great idea. It was pretty funny,though. I don't really have a whole lot to say about the trip because we didn't do anything terribly exciting. We hung out and had fun.


I wasn't going to post anything about the vacation today. I was going to make the post for day 23 as an update as to what is going on with me. I did end up getting my assignments done. It is a huge relief to have them out of the way.

In the last few days, my heart has felt heavy. My mind is clouded, eyes swimming, and in a funk. It is hard for me to want for something and to not know the outcome. Say I want X to happen, but living in the unknown as to whether or not it will come to be. My heart aches because I pull my walls down, become open, honest, and vulnerable in situations that may bring nothing but more heartache.

It is a risk. I have put aside my fears of being hurt. However, that does not mean that I am simply welcoming the pain into my life. I want to take chances. I don't want to dismiss my feelings because I don't know what is in store for me. When I connect with other humans, it is always possible that pain may be in store. I refuse to ignore the feelings in my heart and in my gut.

I am still afraid.

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love, it is the prerogative of the brave." - Mahatma Gandhi

I am currently listening to Mumford & Sons. The song playing is After the Storm.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day 22 - Favorite City

Denver, Colorado. It is beautiful and Colorado is gorgeous. I hope to relocate in the next few years.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 21 - Picture of yourself

The day I met Lola.

Catching up on the World War Z.

Holly and me at Holly's birthday party. Fun night!

This is a picture of Miro and me.

I have a ton on my mind today. I woke up in a funk. I think it partially has to do with being overwhelmed with course assignments and being up against a deadline. It seems like I am in over my head with all of these things. I want to cry. I want to push these assignments to the side and just redo these courses at a later date and not at the exact same time. I am hitting a wall and that wall is my burnout point. I know I can get it done and move beyond this. Right now, it is hard to see that and it is hard for me to push forward. I know that the biggest source of my stress right now is coming from school. I do not intend to quit, but it would be really nice if it could be a little easier. It seems like I am drowning right now. I need to just put my head in these books and write these papers that mean nothing to me. Tomorrow is a new day!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 20

Day 20 - Nicknames

I have been given several nicknames over the years. My formal name is Tamara, but I have been called TJ since birth.

My father used to call me T-Bird when I was growing up. It was a great nickname.

My family and close friends call me Tea.

Stefanie has a nickname for me, which is TNizzle. Josiah calls me TJizzle.

My friends spell my name like it sounds. TEAJAY.

Hmm...there was the nickname/superhero name that came from a night at the Trolley. Lord Muff Hunt. The joys of conversation misunderstandings.

In high school some of my friends called me Cheeseburger. One of my friends was French Fry (Frenchy for short).

Teej is used frequently, as is Deej (Thanks, Mitchell!)

If there are more that I am forgetting, please fill me in. Paraphrase if you must. ; )

Day 19

Day 19 - Something you miss

One thing that I miss the most is innocence. The innocence of being a child, forgiving easily, forgetting quickly, as well as loving and being loved unconditionally.

I miss when it seemed as though there was more than enough time in each day. The days when the rough times didn't seem to hang around long.

Of course I miss family that have passed away over the years. I also miss friendships that have faded.

I miss when I thought it was okay to date someone twice my age...hahaha. Okay, so that has never happened, but thought I'd just throw that in there.

I do miss when school wasn't as demanding, was more exciting and interesting.

Even though there are people and things that I do miss, I am happy with myself and the life that I have.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 18

Day 18 - Something you regret

I would like to say that I have no regrets. However, this is simply not the case. At this point in my life there are a few things that I do regret. I regret not having spent more time with family before they moved on in this world. That is by far my biggest regret. For example, I had gone to see both of my paternal grandparents in October 2008 to visit with them and show them the costume that I had made for Gabriel. We visited for a while. It was nice spending time with them and having them see Gabriel. About a week and a half later, I had planned to go visit with them again. I ended up getting busy and running errands. I was unable to make it over. My grandfather passed away the next day. I have carried around a lot of guilt for not spending more time with all of my grandparents. I still have very good memories of time that I did spend with them while they were here, but I would like to have had more.

At times, I regret having taken down walls that I constructed with the sole intention of keeping me free from pain. This is something small and somewhat silly. It has been difficult to make myself vulnerable. It is even more difficult to make myself vulnerable and get hurt because of it. I don't always want to take risks and of course I never HAVE to. I am not generally comfortable with the unknown, but who really is? I do know and understand now that taking risks is necessary if I want to really live. If I never leave my comfort zone, I will miss out on many experiences.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day 17

Day 17 - Something you're looking forward to

I am looking forward to Spring. I am ready for warm and sunny weather. This will give Gabriel and I much more time to play outside and run around. We like playing soccer and frisbee outside. The sun was warm and shining yesterday, which was great, but it was still fairly cold. We went and played at the park and it made me anxious for warmer weather. Gabriel and I enjoy spending time outside. The cold weather is a little rough for us because it gets too cold to spend time outside. Of course there are other things, bigger things, that I am looking forward to in life, but this is the most immediate thing that I am looking for.

As of right now, my neighbor, Mr. Pickle, is also looking forward to Spring. I can tell because I see he has his ChemLawn man out in his yard this morning...polluting the ground. Awesome. Glad he spends "hundreds of dollars" to make his yard look awful. I cannot wait for the Spring and he starts coming over to tell me that he will buy weed killer for my yard. Bring it on.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day 16

Day 16 - Dream House

This is a picture of my dream house. I don't necessarily want this exact house, but I LOVE the wraparound porch. The back yard is fenced in, too, which is great. This house is a bit bigger than I would need.
Basically, I fell in love with the porch and the yard. As for what I want inside a house, I don't know what this one is like inside.
Ideally, I would like a kitchen with enough counter space and moving space to function and be comfortable. I would like a dining room large enough to have a dining table and chairs. A family room, maybe one and a half bath, and at least 3 bedrooms. It would be great to have a basement.
There are other things that could be a part of my dream house, but I want to start out with the basic things that I would like.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 15

Day 15 - Bible verse

I was not sure that I would be able to pull off the post for today. I have never read the entire bible, nor do I ever plan to (at least not in this moment). When I saw that a verse was needed for this 30 day challenge, I figured I would just cross that bridge when the time came. That is pretty much what I did. I did spend some time researching verses. I did end up finding two that I found fitting for me, for this moment in my life.

Ezra 10:4
"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."

John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

No explanation necessary.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 14

Day 14 - A picture you love

This is a picture of my paternal grandfather (Poppy) and I. He passed away in November of 2008 after a long battle with cancer. This was sent to me by one of my aunts. She found this photograph, scanned it, and emailed it to me. It means a lot to me. I only have one picture of him with Gabriel. It was taken on Easter of 2008. Gabriel was about a month and a half old. That is another picture that I hold dearly. Holy emotions. I was not ready for those feelings to just come up. I miss him.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 13

Day 13 - Goals

My goals- Instant success in all that I aspire to do. Hahaha! Okay, now that I got that out of my system...
I have several goals for myself and for my future. Right now, one of my biggest goals is to graduate from UC. This is something that has been incredibly important to me for quite a long time. This is also a source of some of my stress.
Now that I am unemployed, finding employment is a goal for this very moment. I do not like being unemployed. I like to have something to do, occupy my time, and getting paid is a definite bonus.
Someday, I would like to own a house. I like where I live, currently, but it would be great to have a place of my own.
I want to complete my 12-steps. I have 5 done. I just need to push forward and complete 7 more. It is a process.
I am not entirely sure that this is a goal, but I would maybe like to get married someday down the road. I am not set on the idea of marriage, so I will cross that bridge if the day ever comes.
In all reality, it is simply important to me that my son and I are happy, stable, and healthy. That sounds so generic. That is honestly what would mean the most to me.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Day 12

Day 12 - What you believe

Oh my. I believe in a lot of things. I believe in love. I think that love holds the key to all things in life, but love begins with yourself. As humans, we cannot fully love another until we fully love ourselves.
I believe that we cannot get our happiness from another person. We simply share our happiness.
I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I just had a conversation on Tuesday about this very concept. I think that sometimes we struggle with changes that occur in our lives, we suffer, and we wonder when the feeling of sadness or heartbreak will end. For me, when I go through those feelings, after I get past the sadness I generally end up seeing that things turned out much better for me in the end. I always learn something new and gain more insight on myself.
I believe in a higher power. I am not religious, but I think that there is a power that is greater than myself.
I believe in reincarnation.
I believe that one person can truly make a difference in the world, even if they just do the smallest act.
I believe that the mind is the most powerful tool that humans have.
I believe in taking risks and that life is always worth it.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 11

Day 11 - Favorite TV shows

When I am watching TV, I usually watch Nickelodeon or Nick Jr. I do sometimes get a chance to watch things other than cartoons.
Here are a few shows that I enjoy watching:

House - Yes, the show is basically always the same, but I have a thing for Hugh Laurie.

Criminal Minds - It keeps me interested.

Teen Mom, Teen Mom 2, 16 and Pregnant - I am almost embarrassed to admit these. I currently watch Teen Mom 2 every week. Shame on me.

That is about it. I should expand my mind and watch something different. Perhaps the news?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day 10

Day 10 - Something you're afraid of.

There are several things that I am afraid of. There are major things, such as anything happening to my son, family, and friends. Those are my major fears. Aside from those things, I am afraid of complacency. When I started putting forth the effort in myself and my self-growth I am aware that things in my life and surrounding my life are getting better. In the back of my mind, I am scared that I may get to a point where I am happy with the progress that I have made and believing that maybe it is good enough. It worries me that I could at some point settle to have a life that is good enough (because it is better than it was) and not pushing forward to achieve greatness. I do continue to come to this point every so often. I look at the progress that I have made and I am happy to be where I am. I know that it gets even better. I do continue to put the effort in and let me tell you, nothing is a fix-all overnight. It just doesn't work that way. At times I fall back into old TJ patterns, but I am usually quick to catch myself. If I don't catch it, someone else usually does (Thank you, Holly!). I am still pushing forward right now and am not settling for good enough. I am just afraid that it could happen.

I am afraid of not graduating from UC. Sure, I attend full-time, I pass my classes, and I keep up with scheduling and coursework. I am just up against a deadline. With this deadline hovering over me, it is hard for me to not have the idea of not graduating weighing on my mind.

There it is, some of the things that I am afraid of.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Day 9

Tonya. This is my sister. She is truly beautiful. She is such a great friend and sister. She is in my blog for day 5. She is awesome! I love you, sis.

Sarah. She has been in my life for about 6 years. I love this woman. She is gorgeous, talented, and a great mama. Though we live pretty far from one another, I still consider her one of my closest and best friends. I hope to be able to visit her very soon. I miss her and her girls.

This is Kelly. She is a beautiful, amazing, and brilliant woman. She has been such a wonderful friend. I am grateful to have her in my life. She is an inspiration to me. Thank you for being there for me and being in my life. Love you!

This is an old picture. This is Holly, Windy, Stefanie, and me. This picture was taken in 2005. These 3 ladies have made such a difference in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without them. They all have been there to support me, love me unconditionally, laugh with me, cry with me, and they have been beyond amazing. We have had good times, bad times, happy times, and sad times. We have had our struggles in love, life, finances, but we always pull through. These are three of the most amazing friends a woman could ever ask for.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 8

Day 8 - A place you've traveled to
In the Summer of 2007 I traveled out West. The first night into the trip, my boyfriend at the time and I stopped and visited his family in St. Louis. We stayed overnight, got up the next day, had breakfast, and got back on the road. We made it to Colorado. I have a family friend, like a second mother, that lived in Littleton, Colorado. I got in touch with her on the way out and when we made it into Colorado, she directed us towards her house. We stayed with her for two days. Being in Colorado was amazing. It is beautiful there. They showed us around, took us to the mountains, and to see Red Rocks. Red Rocks is beautiful. I took many pictures on this trip, but don't have all of them anymore.
My visit in Colorado was great. I enjoyed the visit, the weather, and the scenery. It would have been nice to have stayed longer.
After leaving, we headed south to drive to Arizona. Within an hour of leaving we hit a big rain storm, but continued driving through the night. The drive was nice during the night because the weather was cool. The daytime was beautiful, but very hot (and we were traveling without air conditioning). By the time we made it to Arizona we got lost. It was hot, we were lost, and stress was high. Needless to say, we ended up getting off the highway, pulling into a parking lot and having a big fight. Why did we come here? What were we thinking? Can we even do this together? I should have stayed home. These are all things that we said. Among many others! I cried. I wanted to go home. Yes, the trip was beautiful and I saw so many things. However, the best part of my trip was visiting with my "family" in Colorado. Arizona didn't work out and it didn't last longer than a 24 hour period. We headed home and I was glad to be back.
I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could move out to Arizona in a toxic relationship. However, it was a fun trip and a good experience. I certainly wouldn't take the trip back.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 7

Day 7 - Favorite Movies

There are quite a few movies that I would consider favorites.
One of my favorites from when I was younger is Airplane! I think that movie is hilarious and my sister and I would always watch it together. The boob scene always made us crack up. We are ridiculous. I just watched that movie two weeks ago and it is still just as great as it always was.
Pay it Forward.
P.S. I Love You. Yeah, it makes me cry, but it is sweet. It definitely makes me want to go to Ireland and fall in love. Silly.
Leaves of Grass.
Okay, so there are a lot of good movies. There are more that I really enjoy, but I am not really in a writing mood today.

Day 6 (a bit late)

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

This is something that makes me happy. Playing with Gabriel and watching him play is a lot of fun. It is amazing to see his imagination and mind working when he plays.
In this picture, Gabriel put all of his cars on his train track at my parents' house. We joke that Gabriel set up a traffic jam. He took the train off of the track, so he could put all of his cars on the tracks.
It isn't necessarily the picture that makes me happy, even though it does. What makes me happy is simply playing and having fun with Gabriel. I love being able to enjoy these small little moments of play and joy. As for the cars on the tracks, I hope they have something to keep them busy, because it is going to be quite a while.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 5

Day 5 - Your Siblings
I have only one sibling. My older sister, Tonya. She turned 30 on Christmas and I turned 25 in January. We are 5 years apart. My sister and I didn't always have the closest relationship. When we were younger we fought quite a bit, but of course, we still loved each other. As we got older, we started to get closer and the fighting stopped. Tonya and I are pretty close today. She has a busy life. She works full-time and has a weird work shift. She works 11:30-10:30. So, we don't really see each other much during the week. We may see each other once a week or once every two weeks, but we still stay in touch over the phone or through text messages.
She just got married in September 2010. She met an amazing man, Mitchell, on Valentine's Day of 2008, just two days before Gabriel was born. I remember being at the hospital, in labor, and Tonya came in saying that she thinks she met her future husband/"baby daddy." She is hilarious. Gabriel was several months old before we actually met Mitchell. Mitchell is a great guy and he fits right in the family. He has been not only supportive of my sister, but he has been there for me during my struggles. I am glad to have them both in my life. They are happy and in love. It is sweet and gives me hope.
My sister and I are different from one another, but very much the same, too. It is interesting. She has her life together, not that I don't, but she does more than I do. She inspires me and I do look up to her in some sense. She is amazing and beautiful. I love you, Tonya. xoxo

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 4

Day 4 - Your Parents
My parents have been amazing. My mother and father have been married for 30 years. They had my sister when they were 18. They had me when they were about 23. My parents grew up in Ohio. They met when they were 15, I think. They started dating and got married a couple months before my sister was born. My dad enlisted in the Marine Corp after my sister was born and began traveling. My mother and sister traveled to the various bases with my father. I was born while they were stationed in California. Whenever my dad had to move to a different location and his family went, my mother would find a job, take care of the kids, and run the house (while he was stationed away). My parents have both played the role of caregiver and they both have dished out our punishment. Both of them have done cleaning, laundry, made dinner, and worked. They taught my sister and I many things and have always done the best they could. They always told my sister and me that we needed to graduate high school, go to college, get a good job, and take care of ourselves. I remember being young and my parents telling us that we shouldn't rely on anyone else, especially not a man, to take care of us. I was young and didn't understand at the time. Now, I understand why they wanted us to follow down that path and take care of ourselves. I realize that I can't rely on anyone, but myself, to take care of me. I am glad that my parents have encouraged my education and that they have been supportive of me and my life.
I remember finding out I was pregnant. I was terrified to tell my parents because I was afraid to disappoint them. I am sure that it still did disappoint them, but they were very understanding and supportive. Steve (Gabriel's father) and I were the first that knew I was pregnant and I didn't want anyone else to know until my parents knew. I just wanted my parents to be among the first to know and to not have them find out from someone other than me. I told my mom and she took it much better than I thought. I was so afraid to tell my dad. I thought he would be pretty disappointed and I hated the idea of putting that on him. I went and saw my dad everyday for several days. Each time I meant to tell him, but I wimped out. One day I was visiting and my grandma was over visiting (Mimi), too. We were talking in the kitchen and she was talking to my father and I about how well my sister and I were doing. She mentioned that she was proud of how we continued our education and that we didn't have children young. That got me and I started to cry. She said something like, "You're pregnant, aren't you?"
My dad was not crazy excited for me or anything, but he told me that he just hoped that I would finish school. They were great throughout my pregnancy and both sat at the birthing center with me. They are amazing grandparents and love Gabriel so very much. At this point in my life, I know that my parents have been wonderful. We have had our fights and challenges. That is the way it is sometimes, though. I am grateful to have my parents be there for not only my son and me, but for my sister, too. My parents have done all they could to make sure that my sister and I had the things we needed, that we got a good education (as children and adults), and we rarely had to go without things. Sure...maybe I never got a PowerWheels, but I didn't really need it! Haha.
Gabriel and I visit with my parents a couple times a week and we talk to them regularly throughout the week, too. We have a good relationship and are pretty close. We are very lucky to have them.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Day Three

Day 3 - Your first love

My very first love was Steve. He is my very first love and my only romantic love. When I was younger, I thought I had loved other partners I had, but now that I know and understand love, it was just lust and infatuation.
I met Steve when I was about 15. We took woodworking class together in high school. I thought he was attractive and I wanted to get to know him. I actually wrote him a note and gave it to him. Yeah, that is probably a bit lame, but whatever. He ended up calling me and inviting me to go stay with him, his best friend Ben, and this girl Kelly, at his father's house. I went over there and it was a little uncomfortable because I was pretty shy. Within time we started dating. We dated on and off for quite some time. However, it wasn't going to work because of my need to have a man in my life that can put me as a priority and he wasn't in a place in his life where that could happen.
We parted ways and kept in touch (but not well enough).
I was 19 and working at Dino's in Yellow Springs. I was working a shift, it was Spring, and I was serving a line of people in the afternoon. Someone walked up to the counter while I was serving those people and said my name. I turned to look and it was Steve. My heart started racing. I had to finish out the line of customers. He was gone by the time I was done. I went out back and sat down. I waited, thinking he might come back in, but he didn't.
A few weeks later we connected again and talked on the phone. I was dating someone at the time, but we made plans to hang out. We hung out and had fun. We were catching up. We gradually started spending more time together. The relationship I was in started going downhill, quickly. I eventually ended that relationship after receiving a nasty voicemail. It started out saying something like this, "You f***ing b****, I don't ever want to f***ing see you, again..." He apologized, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
Shortly after, Steve and I started dating. That was in December of 2006. On April 1st of 2007, I sent him a text message while he was working. It said that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I fell asleep before I heard back from him. He was so excited and told people that we were having a baby. By the time I woke up, I told him that it was an April Fools joke. Oops! Got him good, but got myself better. A month later I did get pregnant. I found out two months after that joke that I was pregnant. I was working street fair and kept throwing up. I already knew I was pregnant, though. I still bought a test after I finished out street fair. Steve sat with me in the restroom while we waited. He was beyond excited. I was a wreck. It is amazing how fast they change when you are pregnant! We began our journey into parenthood.
Our relationship had ups and downs, but I loved him. I do love him still. He was my first love and he is the father of our child. He is a great guy and the best father. Gabriel and I are both very lucky to have him as Gabriel's father.
So, there it is...my first love.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day Two

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
The name on my blog is, "Walking in My Own Shoes." I chose this name because I am at a point in my life where I am going through quite a bit of self-growth. This is a reminder to keep the focus on myself and to walk in my own path. By keeping the focus on my own path, I am not worried about the path that others take or what it might be like to walk in their shoes. I am also trying to not get caught up in walking down someone else's path. I haven't been using this blog for very long, but my attention is directed at where I am in my head and in my journey. It can be easy for me to get distracted from what I have going on and get wrapped up in the lives of my friends, or in the lives of potential partners. However, that is my past and what I am trying to move beyond. This blog and my journey are about my self-growth and evolution in my self-love. For today, I will walk in my own shoes.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day One

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Here I am. Tamara Andrews (TJ) and my little man, Gabriel. This photo was taken a few weeks ago. Gabriel was crying because he didn't get his way. I am 25 and Gabriel is turning 3 in two days. He is the greatest. We make things work and we do the very best that we can.
Interesting facts? I am working on that part.

1. I haven't been to the movies in 5 years. (I didn't make it to the movies over the weekend) The last movie I saw in a theater was a Harry Potter movie. I don't ever think I have the patience to sit in the theater.

2. I take water with me whenever I leave the house.

3. I just recently experienced the adventures of a Brazilian wax. It was not as bad as I thought it might be. It certainly was worth it!

4. Brushing my teeth in the morning always makes me gag. Sometimes it makes me throw up. This does not prevent me from brushing my teeth, though. If I happen to throw up from brushing my teeth, I just shake it off and brush again!

5. I once hit a school bus full of children. There was no damage or injuries.

6. I love to color. I ask my son if he wants to color, just so I can.

7. I made a miniature coffin in woodworking when I was 16. I still have it.

8. Whenever I am up against a deadline, I almost always end up taking a nap. I don't know why, but naps just seem fitting.

9. I have never, knowingly, flown on a plane. Meaning, I flew with my parents as an infant. I would like to fly someday. I have my fears of flying, but I'll get over it. I do believe that driving is the way to go, though.

10. I have taken the same math class three times. I still haven't passed the class. Fourth time is a charm...I hope!

11. I want to get a tattoo. I already know what I want and where I want it, but I am going to sit on that idea for a bit longer.

12. I am afraid of the dark.

13. I would love to own my own flower shop.

14. I loathe working in service positions (mostly working as a waitress).

15. I want to make more forts with my son!

That is the best that I can do for right now. : )

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm Game

I have been following another woman's blog and she recently began her 30-day blog challenge. It seems interesting and like it will take a little bit off of my mind. So, I guess I am going to try to give it a go. The days are mapped out and should go a little something like this:

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-A picture

I will start with Day 1 tomorrow.
Now the blog will have some sense of focus, at least temporarily.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Girls' Night and After

It was difficult to see Tara for the last time, but I am glad that we were able to see her. We were able tell her we love her and say goodbye. I spent a little bit of time over with Tonya, Mitchell, and TaraBell yesterday. Gabriel and I left there and spent time together. Gabriel stayed the night with his dad last night and I went to a much needed girls' night. It was a lot of fun. It was nice to spend time with those ladies and to talk, laugh, be serious, and have fun. We hung out over at Holly's house until close to midnight when we decided to venture out into the public eye. Of course we had to put on the heels! I ran into a best friend's old flame, or whatever it is that he was. We had a nice talk, but then he just started to creep me out a little bit. Thank goodness for girlfriends! They will drag you out of it in a heartbeat. We started our night off on bad terms with the bartender. Sorry, but your orange juice sucked! "Someone else will have to order drinks for the rest of the night."
Today, Tonya mentioned all of us going to take Gabriel to see his first movie in the theater. Gnomeo and Juliet (in 3-D). I think that it could be fun and interesting. He may or may not have the patience for a movie. I guess we will have to find out!
I am a little confused right now, but that is simply because I don't understand what is going on. I know that it is probably better for me to keep my mouth and heart closed sometimes, but wow, it is a little hard. I get weak periodically. I suppose that it is bound to happen from time to time. Feelings can be rough. I can say that I know that I am a great woman. I am beautiful, I am a great mama, and I do the best I can. I deserve to be someone's first thought. I tell myself that and seconds later ask myself if that is fair.
When my time comes...!
I saw things, with my dreaming eyes, that obviously never came to be. Not just with men, but with life in general. Five years ago, I certainly did not see myself where I am currently. It isn't bad, but unexpected. My life is unfolding exactly as it should. I am right where I need to be. Right. Where. You. Need. To. Be. (Self-talk) I can look at myself today and be happy with myself and my body. It is hard to get to that point, especially after having a child. I am happy with my journey thus far and I wouldn't change one second. I am finding myself.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Saying Goodbye

Today Gabriel and I are going over to visit Tonya, Mitchell, and TaraBell. We are going to spend our last day with TaraBell. She is moving on in this life and meeting with our loved ones on the other side. My heart hurts knowing that she is leaving, but I know that she is struggling in this life. I have a difficult time explaining these things to Gabriel. He has experienced many major losses in such a short journey in this world. I haven't even begun to explain to him about Tara. I don't know what to say right in this moment and I can't say it without tears.
Gabriel just called me away from the computer to help him with his breakfast. He asked me why I was sad. I told him that today we were going to go see Tonya, Mitchell, and Tara. He said, "But you're sad." I let him know that we were going to see Tara for the last time today because she was going to Heaven. He said, "She's going to die?" He does understand more than I believe sometimes. I told him that she was and that she was going to Heaven. He said that Tara is sick and she's going to Heaven. He asked me if we would still see Tonya and Mitchell. I let him know that we would, he told me not to be sad, and gave me a kiss. He is an amazing child.
Since Gabriel was born, we have said goodbye to two of my grandparents (Mimi and Poppy), his father's grandmother (Grandma Marge), Linda Lee (Grandma Linda), and Grandma Mahle.
He is not a stranger to loss of family and at such a very young age. I am sad that he has lost so many wonderful people. At this age, he is going to have to learn about them through us. However, I am grateful that they were all able to meet Gabriel and to have him be in their lives.
In five days, Gabriel will be turning three. In three days, I will be unemployed. Changes, they are coming.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Attempting to start fresh.

Life has been busy lately. It has been even more busy in my mind, than anywhere else. I turned 25 a month ago. Gabriel is turning 3 in exactly a week. Sometimes I cannot believe that he is already turning 3, but it is amazing. I am truly blessed to have him as my child. He is beautiful, talented, and incredibly smart. He is also very funny and has quite an attitude. Gabriel has an incredible mind and I often say, "where does he learn these things?" This is said at times in both pride and in complete confusion. I am proud of my son and completely in love with him. In the last year, I have started doing work on myself and to make myself and my life better. I know that this will also make Gabriel's life much better. Lately, I have been stuck in my own head. After a conversation that I had today, I realized that I need to just get out of my own way. I only have control over myself and my actions/behaviors in this moment. I am telling myself that right now is where I am living. I need to think less of the past and less of the future.
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -Theodore Roosevelt
I have to constantly remind myself.
In the last few days, I have had sadness for things that are or are not there. I have had sadness for family (Tonya, Mitchell, and TaraBell). I have had happiness for my life, my son, my family, and amazing friends. Life can really be a roller coaster. Now it is time for me to let go and just enjoy the ups and downs.