I woke up this morning with the idea that I had something to say. I sat down to unload whatever message it is that my heart feels it needs to release, but I am not entirely aware of what needs to be said.
Perhaps I am simply not welcoming what my heart needs to express. Or maybe I forgot to pick up the newest version of Rosetta Stone and there is a communication barrier. There is also the possibility that I was only hoping my heart had something to say.
I do know that I have felt under-appreciated by some people in my life. It has, at times, seemed as though some of my relationships with people are one sided and it is all on my side. I have a decent amount of patience. However, we all have a breaking point. There comes a time when I have to question whether all the work and effort I put into something, in order to get nothing, is even worth it in the long run. I know that I would certainly think twice about attending college for 8 years if I knew there would be no degree for me in the end. Why spend all of the money, pile up debt, spend hours upon hours engrossed in textbooks, papers, and research, when I know there is no reward at the end? I was once that friend on the other side of the one sided relationship. Shame on me. That was just where I was at that point in my life and I wasn't able to provide more than what I could. I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself together. Trying to be my own personal hero. I don't blame anyone for not being able to be somewhere that they are completely incapable of being.
I had great friends that were there for me when I was struggling with keeping up my walls and doing all that I could to keep the pieces together. It did exhaust them. I know it did. There is only so much that you can do, though. These are the very same friends that were there to help me sweep up the pieces when I finally realized that I couldn't play the martyr any longer. I have very amazing friends. They are irreplaceable.
Maybe I'm coming around.