The In Between Space

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This is sometimes the space that is in between.

Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster this week. I finally realized what I believed to be the cause of this emotional ride. I had spent time consistently putting forth the work in my life to move forward and progress. That has sort of taken a short hiatus. I had just been getting into the groove of movement and then took a small recess. Without the work and all of the play, makes mama a tired lady! I notice that I have more energy, more love, more life when I am making constant strides forward. If I sit and take a little breather, I get emotionally wired. I am not entirely sure that makes sense in writing, but it is exactly how I see what is happening. It is almost self-destructive.

Thankfully, I have had the awareness to this and will be putting forth the effort, again. Even in the days that have followed the awareness, I have been happier and don't allow the little things to get me down. There was quite a bit of things I wanted to add to this blog, I just am a tiny bit out of my element right this moment.

Day 30 - A Picture

This is a picture of me that I took yesterday. My first day back to work! This is what you look like when you watch over two hours of Fair Housing. I had a nice day at work. I spent most of the day watching training videos and reading a portion of Market Property Operations Manual. The last hour of the day I put new lease letters in the folders of clients that may be renewing their leases soon. Tomorrow, I will be learning more about how to put a client folder together, answering calls, and I will walk the model.

Day 29 - 3 Wishes

If I had 3 wishes, they would probably wait for a long time to be used. I would want to be absolutely sure, that I made the best possible use of these wishes. It is hard to pick 3 wishes. It seems a little selfish, too. Oh well, on with my selfish wishes.

For my first wish, I would wish for my father to be rid of his daily headaches. He has struggled daily with headaches for many years now and has found no relief. So, Dad, my first wish would go to you! I know that dealing with migraines is rough. I went through that every single day, for a year. I could not imagine having to do it any longer than a year. It seems cruel.

Second, I would wish for health, for my loved ones. Everyone in my life is pretty healthy, but I always worry. I want them all to be healthy, always.

Lastly, and selfishly, I would wish for a man in my life that could love me and my son. A man that could add to my happiness and I to his. A man that is silly, fun, smart, driven, sweet, a bit sarcastic, and can handle his own.

Okay...enough wishing and back to the real world.
I start my new job today. I am excited and nervous. I am still working through papers for childcare. Gabriel was supposed to go to his great grandma's (MieMie Z's) today while I went to work. It didn't work out that way. Around ten he started vomiting and was having stomach troubles. Needless to say, his dad made him an appointment to see his physician and he had his appointment at 11:45. I have to be at work at 1 today. I hope he starts feeling better soon. I feel bad that his dad has to take off of work, but I cannot call off on my first day. It just isn't really an option. Time to get my head out of the clouds and get ready to start my new job!

Day 28 - Something that stresses you out

My biggest source of stress comes from school. The stress that comes from attending school is due to several different factors. Financially, attending the school is expensive and I have had several issues regarding payment. The paperwork is another area of attending school that stresses me out. I am a dual student, meaning I attend the university and a local community college. Due to attending two schools, each quarter I have to fill out consortium agreements between the two schools in order to figure out payments. The two schools seem to have problems in completing this paperwork. UC tells me to fill out the form, send it to Sinclair, and Sinclair pretends to fill it out. Shortly after Sinclair calls me to tell me that I need to have UC fill out the form before they fill it out. I get the form, send it to UC, and UC pretends to fill it out. I get a call from UC saying that they cannot fill out the paperwork until Sinclair completes the form. This happens each quarter, regardless of who gets the forms first. It generally takes over 2 months to have two sections of a form, about 2 inches long, to be completed. It gets rather frustrating. UC is generally helpful and the people are kind, which makes this process a tad easier for me. I loathe the idea of contacting Sinclair. The conversations almost always turn out badly.
Having a deadline for graduation is anxiety provoking. I have until Spring of 2012 to graduate. This is a deadline that I already know that I cannot meet. That is about 5 quarters from now and I have nearly 9 left. So, unless I manage to come across four more of me, it just isn't going to work out. I am not going to quit, though. I am getting close enough to being done. School does give me some sense of satisfaction. I enjoy learning and doing the work (well, not always). I do know that when I am not attending school that it seems like my life is on pause and I am not doing anything productive.
Which does remind me that I am procrastinating on an assignment that needs to get done.

Day 27 - Pets

Miro. He is such a great dog. Even when he does things like eat my books while I am out of the house! He is loving and is wonderful when it comes to tolerating Gabriel's nonsense. I have had him for four and a half years. He has been the best. I love his little face. I honestly couldn't ask for a better dog.

My dog from when I lived at home with my parents, her name is Cocoa. She is a chocolate lab and had been in my life for 13 years. She is such a sweet girl. She has been so sweet with Gabriel, too. I love her like crazy.

Growing up, I had a cat named Butterscotch. He was full of overwhelming energy. I do miss that cat, though. He was a serious bundle of energy. He was born on our porch when I was very young. Out of all the kittens, he was the only one we kept. Mama kitty had to go, too. We were able to keep only one. He wasn't really the type of cat that wanted to be cuddled and loved on. He liked to just play and act like a maniac. I thought he was pretty super, regardless.

Day 26 - Picture of your family

We had pictures taken in November 2010 with the four of us and the two dogs. This is my sister Tonya, her husband Mitchell, Gabriel, and me. Tara and Cocoa are in the front. Two sweet girls. We miss Tara.


This is my father and my sister. They are awesome. I love this picture of them!


Michael, Steve, me, Tonya, Mitchell, and my dad. This was taken at Gabriel's first birthday party. This is our mustache ride picture. We are badass.


Gabriel and I in November 2010. This picture makes me happy. This is what love looks like.



Mom, Tonya, me, and Aunt Kimmie. This was taken in the summer of 2010 at Tonya's bridal shower. I don't have any current pictures of my whole family together, so this is my family in several pictures.

Day 25 - Shuffle

Day 25 - Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

I started this shuffle and I am realizing now that when I have 184 songs on my iTunes account and 124 of the songs are Iron and Wine, they are beginning to dominate my first ten songs. I am a big fan of Iron and Wine. Their music is good for my soul. I simply hope that other music may come up on the shuffle, though.

1. Iron and Wine - "White Tooth Man"

2. The Wood Brothers - "That's What Angels Can Do"
The Wood Brothers are great. They put a smile on my face and that is all I need.

3. Iron and Wine - "Promise What You Will"

4. Iron and Wine - "Southern Anthem"

5. Colin Hay - "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin"

6. Steve Earle - "I Thought You Should Know"
I have fallen in love with this song. It is a combination of his voice and the lyrics that makes me love it.

7. The Wood Brothers - "Time to Stand Still"

8. Nirvana - "Dumb"
Nirvana. Speaks for itself. Kurt Cobain was something else.

9. Iron and Wine - "Jezebel"
This song is beautiful.

10. Leftover Salmon - "Lovin' in My Baby's Eyes"
This one simply warms my heart.

Day 24 - Something you've learned

I have been trying to put into words what it is that I believe I have learned. My life has been a learning experience, as is everyone elses'. I know that there have been a great deal of lessons I have learned in just the last year.

I have learned that I allow myself to be hurt by others because of unspoken expectations that I have for myself and for them. This is something that I never really noticed in the past.Now that I have the awareness, I see it arise more. There was a situation that happened not that long ago when someone made a comment to me and I was instantly upset. Before I allowed myself to respond, I thought through why it made me upset. It made me upset because I took what was said personally, then I wanted to react in anger and hurt them in the same manner. After I actually walked myself through that, I explained what I felt and what happened. I was able to move past it without all of the drama that I would have created in the past.

Life has shown me that pain does bring about change. I have found that this change is generally for the better.


A few other things I have learned:

What love is and what it is not.

What/who friends are and what/who friends are not.

The love and forgiveness of children.

Day 23 - Favorite Vacation

One of my favorite vacations was staying at Norris Lake with my family. My mom's maternal family would rent a cabin/house on the lake and tons of us would go there and stay. The year that was my favorite, my parents, my friend Leah, and I camped in the yard. The property was large and beautiful. The house was very nice, but we didn't really spend much time inside. We spent most of our time sitting on the dock, on the boat, or the jet ski. We stayed at the lake for several days. Spent a lot of time outdoors and in the sun. At night we would have a fire. Some of us thought it was a good idea to throw fireworks into the fire and see what would happen. It turned out that it wasn't really a great idea. It was pretty funny,though. I don't really have a whole lot to say about the trip because we didn't do anything terribly exciting. We hung out and had fun.

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I wasn't going to post anything about the vacation today. I was going to make the post for day 23 as an update as to what is going on with me. I did end up getting my assignments done. It is a huge relief to have them out of the way.

In the last few days, my heart has felt heavy. My mind is clouded, eyes swimming, and in a funk. It is hard for me to want for something and to not know the outcome. Say I want X to happen, but living in the unknown as to whether or not it will come to be. My heart aches because I pull my walls down, become open, honest, and vulnerable in situations that may bring nothing but more heartache.

It is a risk. I have put aside my fears of being hurt. However, that does not mean that I am simply welcoming the pain into my life. I want to take chances. I don't want to dismiss my feelings because I don't know what is in store for me. When I connect with other humans, it is always possible that pain may be in store. I refuse to ignore the feelings in my heart and in my gut.

I am still afraid.

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love, it is the prerogative of the brave." - Mahatma Gandhi

I am currently listening to Mumford & Sons. The song playing is After the Storm.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Day 22 - Favorite City

Denver, Colorado. It is beautiful and Colorado is gorgeous. I hope to relocate in the next few years.

Day 21 - Picture of yourself

The day I met Lola.

Catching up on the World War Z.

Holly and me at Holly's birthday party. Fun night!

This is a picture of Miro and me.



I have a ton on my mind today. I woke up in a funk. I think it partially has to do with being overwhelmed with course assignments and being up against a deadline. It seems like I am in over my head with all of these things. I want to cry. I want to push these assignments to the side and just redo these courses at a later date and not at the exact same time. I am hitting a wall and that wall is my burnout point. I know I can get it done and move beyond this. Right now, it is hard to see that and it is hard for me to push forward. I know that the biggest source of my stress right now is coming from school. I do not intend to quit, but it would be really nice if it could be a little easier. It seems like I am drowning right now. I need to just put my head in these books and write these papers that mean nothing to me. Tomorrow is a new day!

Day 20

Day 20 - Nicknames

I have been given several nicknames over the years. My formal name is Tamara, but I have been called TJ since birth.

My father used to call me T-Bird when I was growing up. It was a great nickname.

My family and close friends call me Tea.

Stefanie has a nickname for me, which is TNizzle. Josiah calls me TJizzle.

My friends spell my name like it sounds. TEAJAY.

Hmm...there was the nickname/superhero name that came from a night at the Trolley. Lord Muff Hunt. The joys of conversation misunderstandings.

In high school some of my friends called me Cheeseburger. One of my friends was French Fry (Frenchy for short).

Teej is used frequently, as is Deej (Thanks, Mitchell!)

If there are more that I am forgetting, please fill me in. Paraphrase if you must. ; )

Day 19

Day 19 - Something you miss

One thing that I miss the most is innocence. The innocence of being a child, forgiving easily, forgetting quickly, as well as loving and being loved unconditionally.

I miss when it seemed as though there was more than enough time in each day. The days when the rough times didn't seem to hang around long.

Of course I miss family that have passed away over the years. I also miss friendships that have faded.

I miss when I thought it was okay to date someone twice my age...hahaha. Okay, so that has never happened, but thought I'd just throw that in there.

I do miss when school wasn't as demanding, was more exciting and interesting.

Even though there are people and things that I do miss, I am happy with myself and the life that I have.

Day 18

Day 18 - Something you regret

I would like to say that I have no regrets. However, this is simply not the case. At this point in my life there are a few things that I do regret. I regret not having spent more time with family before they moved on in this world. That is by far my biggest regret. For example, I had gone to see both of my paternal grandparents in October 2008 to visit with them and show them the costume that I had made for Gabriel. We visited for a while. It was nice spending time with them and having them see Gabriel. About a week and a half later, I had planned to go visit with them again. I ended up getting busy and running errands. I was unable to make it over. My grandfather passed away the next day. I have carried around a lot of guilt for not spending more time with all of my grandparents. I still have very good memories of time that I did spend with them while they were here, but I would like to have had more.

At times, I regret having taken down walls that I constructed with the sole intention of keeping me free from pain. This is something small and somewhat silly. It has been difficult to make myself vulnerable. It is even more difficult to make myself vulnerable and get hurt because of it. I don't always want to take risks and of course I never HAVE to. I am not generally comfortable with the unknown, but who really is? I do know and understand now that taking risks is necessary if I want to really live. If I never leave my comfort zone, I will miss out on many experiences.

Day 17

Day 17 - Something you're looking forward to

I am looking forward to Spring. I am ready for warm and sunny weather. This will give Gabriel and I much more time to play outside and run around. We like playing soccer and frisbee outside. The sun was warm and shining yesterday, which was great, but it was still fairly cold. We went and played at the park and it made me anxious for warmer weather. Gabriel and I enjoy spending time outside. The cold weather is a little rough for us because it gets too cold to spend time outside. Of course there are other things, bigger things, that I am looking forward to in life, but this is the most immediate thing that I am looking for.

As of right now, my neighbor, Mr. Pickle, is also looking forward to Spring. I can tell because I see he has his ChemLawn man out in his yard this morning...polluting the ground. Awesome. Glad he spends "hundreds of dollars" to make his yard look awful. I cannot wait for the Spring and he starts coming over to tell me that he will buy weed killer for my yard. Bring it on.

Day 16

Day 16 - Dream House

This is a picture of my dream house. I don't necessarily want this exact house, but I LOVE the wraparound porch. The back yard is fenced in, too, which is great. This house is a bit bigger than I would need.
Basically, I fell in love with the porch and the yard. As for what I want inside a house, I don't know what this one is like inside.
Ideally, I would like a kitchen with enough counter space and moving space to function and be comfortable. I would like a dining room large enough to have a dining table and chairs. A family room, maybe one and a half bath, and at least 3 bedrooms. It would be great to have a basement.
There are other things that could be a part of my dream house, but I want to start out with the basic things that I would like.