Rambling of a Brain

19 July 2014
When you look in my eyes, my soul ignites. There are moments in which I refuse to gaze into your eyes, as I know it will consume me. It will tug on my heart. When you kiss me, it shakes my being. I slip into feeling. I whisper and plead within my mind that you will only kiss me truly. Not kiss me because it seems to be the only option. Kiss me because you long to do so. Or do not kiss me at all.

I sometimes believe that I have gotten myself in over my head. I fall in easily. I often care too much. I take in all of the feelings. I break my own heart more often than not. I feel with my whole heart. When I love, I love fully. I have let this love blind me from what was true. I have drowned in love.

I don't want to be part of a game.

I was recently (as of last night) told that I cannot reverse my feelings. Meaning that I have them now and cannot will them away. I like to think otherwise. I know that she was right when she said that to me. She is always the one willing to tell me what I already know, but do not wish to believe. Thank you!

Distance. To save myself, I recognize that I start to pull away. From the person, the feeling, it all. I do not want to be all in when I know that it is only going to hurt. I do not want to be a convenience. I am a lover. I love and give fully. I am not trying to win you. This is who I am.

Maybe you do not see it. I am not going to make you. You either will or you won't. Won't. You won't see me. You won't know me. You won't look beyond what you think you already know. Don't. It isn't you. It isn't me. It just isn't. Simply. It won't be. It won't work. I won't be consumed this time.

20 July 2014

I took the time today to look myself in the eyes. Today they are grey. Deep. Beautiful. We have seen many things. They have been in love and they have been pained. They look deeply. When they look into your eyes, they are looking to see your heart. When they avoid your eyes, they are looking to avoid spilling mine.
Yesterday, I was told that I am gorgeous. I laughed it off. I have never learned how to take a compliment. At my laughter, the other party told me that each morning when I wake up that I should know and believe that I am gorgeous and if I don't, well then they just do not understand. Thank you. That was oh so sweet and I probably needed to hear such.
I would not say that I believe I am gorgeous. I look fine. However, I think my true beauty lies further under my skin. It resides in my head and more so in my heart.
I have been on a serious emotional up and down for the last couple weeks. Most days I wake up in a cloudy funk, but by the time I am ready to tackle the day, I am ready to take on the world. Other days I spend the entire day blinded by the fog in my brain.
Today has started off hazy. Melancholy. Not depressive, but thoughtful. Pensive. Maybe it is the overcast sky, the alignment of the planets, or my brain. Perhaps a nice little helping of them all.

22 July 2014

Vulnerable. This is not a state that I often put myself in. It can be frightening and there is a great deal of uncertainty in what may come from opening myself up and becoming vulnerable. As of lately, I have opened myself up gradually and exposed my inner workings to those that I surround myself with. 

Generally this exposure is quite the rare occurrence. I either put on my happy face and tell the world we are okay. Or I isolate, so I do not have to say anything at all. 

I have allowed myself to get a little more uncomfortable. To tell the truth, it is not nearly as bad as it seems. If I have told you how I truly feel, don't take it for granted, because I do not take it lightly. If I choose to open myself to you, it means that I am letting you in. I am breaking down the walls that I have skillfully built, in order to offer a part of myself to you. 

There were no take backs. I showed you me. The core. Raw. 

You can take it or leave it. If you so choose to leave it, then as another feeling, breathing, bleeding human, with a heart, the kindness in doing so would be to state that intention. Leaving it open with no response. Nothing. To me, that is considered rude. So you have it. Do as you wish.

Impersonal Touch through Technology

My last two posts were on a more personal level. Today, I simply needed an outlet for venting what has been spinning through my mind today. I have been thinking that in society today that everything has become impersonal and completely disconnected. Yes, there are pros to this, but I believe that there are far more cons.
Technology has made it to where we do not have to interact with other humans anymore. I am just as guilty as the next person. I do love having my iPhone, my computer, and Netflix. I have everything I need just a tap or click away. What more is there to want? Right? There have been times (as I can be a recluse) in which I absolutely loved having all of this technology.
Today, and in recent months, I have felt the weight of this burden. The burden of technology and the burden of human interaction slowly slipping away. Come September, I have been without a Facebook page for two years. The horror! Haha! Seriously though, without having this, I have shunned myself from the world. I still have a phone. I still can make and receive phone calls and text messages. I still have the same phone number that I have had for the last 12 years. I have lived at the same address for over 7 and a half years. I have not gone anywhere. I have not moved into the desert without any means of being contacted. I simply do not have a Facebook profile.
My post from 2 weeks ago, I mentioned going out with a best friend for her bachelorette party. While we were out, she told me that she missed me and that I should get a Facebook again so we can stay in touch better. I told her that she can call me or send me a text message and she let me know that doing that was too much work because she is already always on Facebook and could just pop a message my way.
I do not know how much Facebook has changed in the last nearly two years, but sending a text message is incredibly easy. Or it is for me.
Without a Facebook, I do not know what is going on with friends or family. I call, send text messages, and pictures of my growing son to those that I think may be interested in hearing from me.
I do not want a Facebook. I do not need a Facebook. I have enjoyed this time in not having one. My family and some friends catch me up on the occasional drama that occurs in the social networking world. On the other side of it, I tried to download an application from the Apple App Store yesterday and found out that I HAVE to have a Facebook to use it. It did not tell me before I downloaded it that I needed a Facebook account. I did not find out until it was already loaded onto my phone and I went to use the application. Needless to say, it got deleted. Seriously? That is the only way to log in. Sigh. Oh well.
That aside, what really bothers me is that we do not have to talk to people anymore. We can send a quick text message. Which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. I still do enjoy the random phone call. The card or letter coming in the post.
With technology, it seems like we stopped caring about feeling. With technology, dating is nearly impossible and ridiculously impersonal. Just shoot me a text message, tell me to have a great day, and do it again tomorrow. Freaking awesome. Or I send you a text message and never get a reply. Yes, life is busy and things happen. I am guilty of not sending a prompt reply. I am guilty of taking days to reply. This is not because I am being a dick. This is because of many reasons. Sometimes I get busy and the message gets pushed down. More often than not I reply, think I tapped 'Send' and go about my day. Eventually I start to wonder why that a-hole never responded to me. Oops! That is because I am the a-hole and have the message still sitting there waiting for it's journey to the other side. Yes, okay, I never said I was perfect. I did mention that I was guilty of this, as much as the next fella.
I apologize, my thoughts were not completely collected in an organized manner prior to starting this post.
 I am learning that we can easily cast things and people aside much more quickly through technology. Why talk about any issues or why tell someone you think it is best to part ways? We have this amazing bit of technology that makes it easy to ignore someone. Holy cow. Send me a text message and tell me, "Hey. It has been great, but I am going to go my way and you should probably go your way." Thank goodness for that bit of honesty. Now I can move forward and not be wondering what the heck is going on.
What really is bothering me is that my class reunion for our 10 years was this last weekend. Or through yesterday. I was not invited to this event. Nor were several other people that I still am in contact with from high school. Apparently there was a private and select group or event created on Facebook to invite a select group of people to the reunion. I was not invited, as I just mentioned. Maybe because I do not have a Facebook. To be honest, I do not know that I would have been invited even if I did. I do not know that I was part of the right crowd. I doubt I was. I would not have even gone, had I been invited. It is just the lack of thought that bothers me.
Each year when I have my son's birthday (he turned 6 this year), I mail out invitations. Through the actual post. We have a party and afterward, I handwrite thank you cards and again sent them through the post to the person's home address. I also do this around Christmas and the coming year. I love to send post. I love to get it. I love a good phone call. A quick text message is just as good. I love to see the person I am talking to. Be able to reach out and touch them, if it is necessary to do so, or the urge strikes me. To see their face and get an idea of how they REALLY are. To actually know I am being heard and for that person to know I am hearing them.
Technology is a blessing. I definitely am a fan of it. At 1 in the morning, when I cannot sleep, have finished reading the current book, and am ready for something new, I can turn on my nook and borrow a book, right that moment, from the library or download the e-book from amazon. I also enjoy it when I want to catch up on some silly show. I can turn on my Netflix and watch 4 straight episodes until my eyelids begin to droop. I do not have to wait for weeks to see an episode of something.
On the other hand, I think that it is starting to pull us apart from one another. What I am saying is, I miss you humans. Send me a letter or call me up. Ask to meet at the book store or to have a quick drink.
xo

Drummer Girl

Two weeks ago, I posted my last entry. Since then, I have done what it is that I have needed to do for quite some time. I have been talking with friends and meeting up with friends. It has made a big difference. I have enjoyed being in contact with all my girls (women, I mean!). Common themes have been occurring within each of our lives.
It has to deal with love. Or the lack of true love. Forgive me, I am currently catching up on Once Upon a Time on Netflix. We have all, at one time or another, perhaps even several times, settled for a love much less than we deserve. We have all done this for our own personal reasons. My reason is believing in the love, the brighter side of it, and believing that change is possible. Now, I am not saying change is not possible. However, in order for change to be possible, the individual has to be willing to do so. Someone will not change simply because I believe that they are able to change.

That is not the point of this rant.
I know that this true fairy tale type of love exists out there. I know that each person deserves this love. I know I deserve this love.

I have been consciously and unconsciously pushing myself. More or less pushing myself to find me. Or I suppose to find what it is that I believe I want and/or need. I want to love and be loved. Not enough to settle for less than I know I deserve. It has been quite a while since I have been in a real relationship. It has been even longer since I have been in a relationship in which I could see a future with the other person. I have had my heart broken. As I have broken a heart or two, including my own.
Though this heart break that has occurred throughout my life, it has given me more depth and insight. It has only helped to fuel the fire in my heart and soul. Not in a negative aspect, but in a positive way. I have seen my own darkness. I have thrown gas on the inferno inside my soul. I have gone through periods in my life when I believed I was being punished, damned, and in which I knew I was only punishing myself. I have been through hell and come out again. Brighter, lighter, and stronger.
I know what I seek is out in the world. I know that I will find it when the time is right. I know that it will help me to continue to grow and strengthen me. I no longer will try to force it to be. When it comes, I will be ready and I will know. Until then, I am beating to the rhythm and drum of my heart. My love for me and my life. Through the good and the bad, the ice and the fire, I am worth what I seek. As are you.