Sunday, July 13, 2014

Drummer Girl

Two weeks ago, I posted my last entry. Since then, I have done what it is that I have needed to do for quite some time. I have been talking with friends and meeting up with friends. It has made a big difference. I have enjoyed being in contact with all my girls (women, I mean!). Common themes have been occurring within each of our lives.
It has to deal with love. Or the lack of true love. Forgive me, I am currently catching up on Once Upon a Time on Netflix. We have all, at one time or another, perhaps even several times, settled for a love much less than we deserve. We have all done this for our own personal reasons. My reason is believing in the love, the brighter side of it, and believing that change is possible. Now, I am not saying change is not possible. However, in order for change to be possible, the individual has to be willing to do so. Someone will not change simply because I believe that they are able to change.

That is not the point of this rant.
I know that this true fairy tale type of love exists out there. I know that each person deserves this love. I know I deserve this love.

I have been consciously and unconsciously pushing myself. More or less pushing myself to find me. Or I suppose to find what it is that I believe I want and/or need. I want to love and be loved. Not enough to settle for less than I know I deserve. It has been quite a while since I have been in a real relationship. It has been even longer since I have been in a relationship in which I could see a future with the other person. I have had my heart broken. As I have broken a heart or two, including my own.
Though this heart break that has occurred throughout my life, it has given me more depth and insight. It has only helped to fuel the fire in my heart and soul. Not in a negative aspect, but in a positive way. I have seen my own darkness. I have thrown gas on the inferno inside my soul. I have gone through periods in my life when I believed I was being punished, damned, and in which I knew I was only punishing myself. I have been through hell and come out again. Brighter, lighter, and stronger.
I know what I seek is out in the world. I know that I will find it when the time is right. I know that it will help me to continue to grow and strengthen me. I no longer will try to force it to be. When it comes, I will be ready and I will know. Until then, I am beating to the rhythm and drum of my heart. My love for me and my life. Through the good and the bad, the ice and the fire, I am worth what I seek. As are you.

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