A Sunday Post

Life has been changing rather rapidly lately. There have been some changes that have occurred that I was not entirely ready for, or even expecting. Either way, it did not make any difference. We do not always get to choose what happens in life. Family dynamics have begun to shift, which was unexpected. Shocking, really. It is what it is.

Recently an old friend passed away. I was sad, very sad, to hear of his passing. He was someone that I liked a great deal. It was not something that I saw coming. Or maybe I did not want to think that his time Earthbound was limited to such a short period. Godspeed, bud. You will be missed by many. 

With these changes, I cannot help but realize the impermanence of all that life has to offer. Not that it is bad. It is only difficult at times. It also reminds me that I do not have forever. My time, too, is limited. Though it is common sense, it hit me this morning that I can't wait for life to happen. I can't wait for people or situations to change. All I can do is live my life, love those in it, and do my best each day. For those that I waited for, I cannot wait any longer. Maybe you were scared, unsure, or whatever it may have been. I am not going to let that fear rule my world and I cannot have someone by my side that is too afraid to live or take a chance. I need strength in myself and strength in those that are in my life. We are all a little afraid of something. I am scared of certain things or situations, too. I push myself forward anyway. I am not going to let fear or uncertainty make a pussy of me.

In the last year, I have lost many people. Some by choice, some left on their own, and some have gone from this existence into the next phase. Each time it seems like it is getting closer and closer to home. Now, I am not saying that I believe my end is coming, but I do not want to die without having ever really lived. 

I am not entirely sure of what I wanted to even say in writing this post. All I know is that this has all been weighing on my mind and I needed to flush it out. It is Sunday, the holidays are rapidly approaching, and I have this life to live. 

Strike a Pose

Last night was the night for the figure study group. I arrived there about 25 minutes early. I went inside the building and met with two of the people that brought it all together. They were both nice and welcoming. As time passed a few more people began to arrive. I was showed where I would be, which was a small stage of sorts, in the middle of the room. It was warm enough and the lighting was all facing where I would be standing and/or sitting. I spoke with two of the women about this being my first time and they offered up some advice as to what to do. This advice mostly consisted of being comfortable. A couple more women arrived and everyone decided it would be time to start getting ready to begin. I walked off to the bathroom, changed out of my clothes, and slipped on a robe. I walked out of the bathroom and onto the space in which I was to position myself. We started out doing quick poses, which each lasted for 2 minutes. We did 5 minutes, 10 minutes, then everyone stated that they could use having longer periods for drawing. I did a couple poses for 20 minutes. We took our first break after the first 20 minute pose. I got up, put my robe on, moved my joints around and walked around a bit. I briefly chatted with a couple people and shortly after we got back to it. 

We did a pose for 25 minutes, then launched into an hour pose. I sat for this pose. The lights were directed at me and I stared off into the distance. I thought about whatever was going on in my current world, made images out of the designs on the walls, and tried to fight off a serious coughing fit. Needless to say, that last little part did not work out so well. I got the cough out and put my arms back where they were prior to the coughing. I focused back on the wall and went back to making images in the wall and the wood surrounding the wall. Half an hour had passed and we took a break for a couple minutes. I went back to the same pose for another 30 minutes. Music played softly in the background, the furnace would kick on and off, and the scribble of art being made were the symphony that filled the air. The alarm sounded, marking the end of time for the last pose. I stood up, put on my robe, and changed back into my clothes. 

When I came out I thanked them all for the opportunity and told them it was nice meeting them all. Everyone was so kind. They thanked me for being willing to come out and told me that they would like having me back if I wanted to do it again. I never did end up seeing any of the work they did, but I would be interested in seeing some of them.

Overall, it was a great experience. It was not scary and it was not as difficult as I had originally made it out to be in my mind. I had to move my body around a bit once I got home. Although it was not something I normally would do, I am glad that I took the chance. I am definitely grateful for the experience. If the time arose to do it again, I believe that I would.

A Step Out of a Comfort Zone

Early Monday morning I woke up and had received a text message from a girlfriend. She was asking me if I had ever done nude modeling. I said that I had not. I mean not officially. I had posed nude for a man I dated many years back. He was (and still is) an artist and I had posed for him and him alone. It was not a paid gig or anything big. She mentioned that a friend she has was in need of a model for a group and asked if I was interested. I will admit that it sounded exciting and a bit scary. Not only do I not know the folks that run this group, I do not know any of the adults in it. I said that I would be interested. I was given the contact information for the woman that puts on this group. We text one another and as the day went on I received a text message from her stating that it was all set. She knows that I have never done this before. I will admit that I am still a little nervous about going. I am certainly comfortable with my body and do not mind posing for the sake of art. The part that actually makes me nervous is not knowing what to do with my body. How I might need to pose my body. I am under the impression that I am the one that will decide how to stand or hold myself. Part of me just laughed because this is something I struggle with in my everyday life. The old, "What do I do with myself?" I have searched on the Internet for inspiration. The group is meeting for 3 hours tomorrow evening. For 3 hours (with breaks), I will be posing for their figure study group. This is not something I normally do. I generally will not step out of my comfort zone enough to go to places in which I will know absolutely no one. I will, and I have, but it is not something that would be considered the norm for me. 

This will be good for me. I will try doing something very different than what I am used to doing. I will also meet a group of brand new people. I honestly believe that this will be a great experience and will help to pull me out of my comfort zone and allow for me to expand. I will gain something out of it. I know all of these things, yet still have a stomach half-full of nerves. By tomorrow, it will be filled with nerves. The only thing to settle those nerves will be to simply jump right in. It will be a way to open myself up, be vulnerable, and to meet new people. 

Some people might think this is absolutely insane. Perhaps. I am a fan of art and I am more than happy to help out when it is needed. There is little of that left in the world, or so I perceive from the world. I am grateful for the opportunity. Soon enough there will be an update of what becomes this experience. Until then, it will be getting naked for art's sake. 

Happiness in My Lawn

Early in the afternoon I walked out into my backyard as I let Miro outside. I was taking in the cool air and the starting of a slight, nearly nonexistent snowfall. I looked around the yard and saw it. My last dandelion wish of this season. It made my heart flip and sink in the same moment. I was happy to see it. I was also sad that I knew it would be the last that I would enjoy until Spring arrived once again. I walked up to the spot in which it was growing from my yard. I crouched down to the ground in order to get a better look, perhaps my last glance. Part of me wanted to pull it from the earth and make a final wish. More of me wanted to let it remain in the yard to do as it pleases. I sat on my heels for a moment and simply savored and let my soul drink up the sight. I pulled out my phone and took what I believed may be my last dandelion picture for the year. I stood up and walked back into the house. I left home shortly after and drove to my folks' house. On the way there I started to think that when I got home that I could pull up the dandelion and save it in a plastic bag. My thought process on this was that once the weather returned to a nearly consistent warmth (whatever that means in Ohio), that I could pull the dandelion out and spread those little seeds. Maybe in doing that, I could be one of the firsts to have them sprout up in my lawn. I went through the day, somewhat leaving these thoughts behind. On my drive back home, I could only think about living in a place in which I could have dandelions year-round. If only. I am not entirely sure where my love for dandelions comes from. Most people that I encounter can only view them as a weed or something that needs to be removed. To me, they bring me happiness and make my heart soar. Until the weather warms, I will hold onto that last picture. 

Authentically Living

In the last several years, I have embarked on a journey with myself to live my life authentically. Throughout this time I have gained a decent amount of perspective. I have also stumbled upon a certain amount of awareness of myself and my life. Each day, regardless of how tough it might be, I get out of bed and attempt to do the best. At times, I do struggle with my awareness. I know what is right for me and what I ought to be working to achieve. I still do not always choose to take the path that I know is right. There are times in which I intentionally choose to go down a path that will cause unnecessary hardship and/or heartache. I consciously (most of the time) make that decision. I am not perfect and this will always be an ongoing process. 

My head and my heart do not always agree with the path. Generally they want to pursue two different ways. More often than not I choose to follow my heart. I want to live and to feel. I want to feel both the highs and the lows of life. Though I would definitely rather feel the highs. I do not want to live automatically and numb. 

I do not want to be content. I want to be full and happy. I want to be me. I do not want to miss out on experiences because I am afraid. Down the road I do not want to wonder "what if" about the decisions I failed to make. This is not to say that I go through life recklessly. I simply do not want fear and the unknown to keep me from walking down a particular path. If being afraid of the unknown prevents me from making a decision I will only end up wondering about that unknown anyhow. 

I try to be open and honest with all of those that I interact with. I do not want to give the wrong impression. I do not want to be untrue to myself or others. I hope for those that are in my life to know me. I will not lie to them. I am a terrible liar anyway. The hardest part of living authentically is that it seems that there are less people doing the same with their lives. Those that are in my life that also live and love this way are my tribe. They call me out on my crap. They encourage me and love me. They stand by my side regardless of what decisions I make. Those in my life that do not live in this manner, I still love them and offer my patience, support, and encouragement. There does come a time in which some of our paths cannot continue to run together. I have had to divert my path from their path. This is not because I do not care and do not love them. It is because I cannot hold them up and take care of myself. I won't give up on me, you, or us. I only need to put my focus elsewhere. 

Living this way can be difficult (and I do not always follow it exactly), but ultimately it is much more fulfilling. 

A Literal and Metaphorical Tumble Down the Stairs

It was necessary for me to do. It was only building into a nearly insurmountable swell of feeling. Perhaps the alcohol pushed me over that tip. It is possible that it merely intensified the feeling or it might be that it simply made me brave. I finally found the courage to stand up for my heart. I told you how I felt. I told you what I thought. I told you it all. Or the majority of it, anyway. I let you know that I have deep feelings that I cannot help. That there was love in my heart set aside for you and you alone. There was and is only you. I do not need you. Don't be fooled by those words. What I meant and expressed is that I take care of myself, my son, my life, it all, on my own. I do not need someone to get through this life. I wanted you. I want you. There is a difference. I do not need you. I want you. I want to share our lives. Am I the best possible option for you? Maybe. Maybe not. Are you the best option for me? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We will never know without trying.  I, of all people, understand that it is scary to feel this way for someone else. Nothing in life is guaranteed or promised to us. Life itself is day to day. Tomorrow might never arrive. I told you that I had wanted to give you everything. Damn Jameson. Some of the words that spilled from my mouth might have been better to hold in. It is too late now and I know I would not take back anything I said. I meant every single word. 

I am not afraid to try. I know that there is the possibility of heartache if we jumped in completely. At the same time, I know that heartache will come if we never tried. Will it be forever? There is no way to know. As I stated already, nothing is promised. I am not afraid. I would rather find out than spend countless hours, days, whatever duration it may be, wondering about the possibility, potential. I expressed that this is who I am, raw and vulnerable. I will always be who I am and I will not ever pretend to be anything other than me. 

Now you know and I am relieved. To some extent. My heart still sits a little heavy. I am not entirely sure of the outcome. Too much alcohol and that severe brain hurt through a large portion of this morning and afternoon did not help to clarify. Either way, I said what needed saying. I stood strong for my heart, that has always fought fiercely for me. I do apologize for the alcohol fueled outburst of the emotionally charged verbal diarrhea. I am sure there may have been a better time and place for the conversation. However, you did begin the conversation and I was honest. I made myself raw and vulnerable. I was me. Or at least a slightly intoxicated version of me. My words still hold true. Even after all of the alcohol has cleared my body and that serious ache has eased in my head. I meant each word. I am a little lighter knowing that you now know and for no longer carrying that around in my heart. 

Beyond that bit of intensity for the early morning hours, I also showed you that I am awkward, clumsy at times, and absolutely ridiculous. That is who I am. 

Self-Defeating Thoughts vs. Passionate Heart

Today it is absolutely beautiful outside. The weather is perfect. As I sit outside on my back porch I am absorbing the sunlight and I am having thoughts that it would be nice if my brain felt as amazing as the weather. I guess I woke up in a funk. As of today it has been 6 months since I graduated from the university. What this means to part of my brain is that it is time to start paying off that mountain of student loans that have been collecting interest for the last 6 months. This also means that I have spent this time as a college graduate applying for countless jobs, only for me to still be employed part-time at the same place I have been for the last 3.5 years. I will be turning 29 soon. My brain tells me that I am getting too old to be a part-time working single mother. It also tells me that I need to utilize the degree that I have spent numerous years of my life fighting to obtain. I have tried telling myself that there is no rush. We have plenty of time. Then in the back of that brain of mine I hear myself tell myself that time is going to keep flying by. That I am running out of time to accomplish what I want to do for my son, for myself, for our lives. At the same time, I do not want to be stuck in some job that I do not love. I do not want to go through the motions of a job for a pay check. I want to do what I love and ultimately love what I do. In the world today it does not seem that there are many people doing that, you know, following their hearts and their passions. I am young still and have hopes to travel many places, to love, have fun, enjoy the time I have with my son, my pup, family, and friends. I hope to have a great partner to share my love and life with, to have that family, to have that job I love, and prove to myself that all the energy, love, sweat, tears, and perseverance has paid off. I know that all good things take time. I also know that I don't let others hold me back and I will be damned if I am going to let myself hold me down. I am going to kick the self-defeating thoughts away and let the light shine in. I will get where I have dreamed to be. 

To My Heart

You have been beside me my entire life. You have always let me make my own decisions regardless of how badly you knew some of those choices would end. I have stood next to you through each decision you made, even when I knew that it would only hurt us eventually. Please do not misunderstand me, we have made many wonderful decisions together. In the end most of them have been painful. Some of them have been fantastically hurtful and lessons were learned. Each time we came out more badass than the last. It never mattered how hard we struggled, independently or together, we got stronger every single time. 

Together we have been through a great deal of heartache. Each time I tried to shy away from the next bit of pain, you pushed me forward. I am terrified at every encounter that makes you beat for the first time. You always press onward and pull me along. Sometimes I wonder if you are simply addicted to the defeating crush that waits down the line. I am growing to learn that you are the strongest and the most brave aspect of me. I know that you want the best for us both. I know that you will keep pushing us through wreckage until it no longer hurts. Until we find a way that will only make us smile and fall in love everyday without ending in an ache. 

I respect that about you. I think that it is beyond amazing that you love fully regardless of the ache that inevitably will come. And it does. It will. I am smart enough now that I no longer place blame on you because I think that you are intentionally causing us pain. I can see that you are one serious badass. You are strong, beautiful, determined, and such a rarity. We live in a harsh world that lacks love. Then there you are, continually pouring yourself out into the world and into those that come our way. You do this even though you know that it will not be reciprocated the majority of the time. Most would harden themselves to avoid the blow. Not you. You are one sick and amazing gem! 

People go through life impenetrable after that first heartbreak. Most people are unwilling to go through that again. Their loss. Love is one of the most incredible feelings. It is also one of the most destructive. There is no way to love and to not experience some amount of pain. It is simply not possible. It generally deters others from doing it time and time again. Those that give up after their first, second, or whatever subsequent heartbreak... I am only sad for them. They do not know what they are missing out on. Nothing is better than love. Nothing. To live without fully loving, is to only go through the motions of life. It isn't even living. 

You and I will  love and love again. A million times over. You are a beast. A damn majestic beast. The fucking unicorn. Some will say we are fools. I do not care what they think or say. We are living and loving, fully, to the end. You are my heart. 

 

Tin Can of Wishes

There are some things that I will never understand and other things I will never attempt to understand. Now the point of even saying this is that I do not understand you. I am not sure that I ever will. I try and try a little (a lot) more. 

This is all easy. I have done nothing to complicate any situation, nor have I been forceful. I have stated my thoughts and feelings. Scary stuff. Or crazy. Perhaps even amazing (in my opinion it is this). Depends on how you view honesty. 

You have been like June bug. Back and forth. Still always attracted back to the light. 

Here it is. This can be salvaged or it can be crumbled. Either way, life will move forward for everyone. If you want to take a blind leap into something unknown and potentially wonderful, there are ways to make that happen. I have put forth my fair share of effort and I am going to leave the next step up to you. 

Leave me a tin can full of dandelions or even wishes. Say the words and actually back them up. Make a move. Let my time be valuable. It is easy if you think it is worth it. 

I have told you. If you still do not know, then you were not right for me.

A Second Chance Too Many

I will give anyone and everyone a second chance. Often followed by a third, fourth, fifth...

Very few people have turned out to have been worthy of their second chance and eventually was booted from my life after several failed follow-up chances. I have said it before, I think that everyone is capable of changing. I have gone through many minor and major changes throughout my life. There were times when it was nearly impossible, but with willpower and persistence, it paid off. I was always told that hard work was necessary in life to achieve what you seek. I was also told that the only things worth having required work. We will never truly appreciate what is handed to us. 

With all of this in mind, I am frustrated with myself. This is due to the fact that I have nearly exhausted myself trying to believe in other people. I believe in myself and in everyone else. I am nearly at the point in which some people I would rather pull off their toenails and piss in the wounds, than offer a third chance (or tenth, depending upon the person). You have burned me a time too many to come back and ask for the next redo. Fuck you. 

I am not an idiot. I am simply always hoping for the best. That has only created a struggle. This is my life. I am my life. Some of you are a permanent part of my life story. Some of you show up in each chapter, some every page, others only a guest appearance, and some have tried to high jack my story and get in on it. I am the author and also the main character. Sounds kinda vain when I put it that way. Oh well, my story. I am in charge of this life. I am not going to deal with anymore lies, deceit, or more crap from you. I am sorry to you. I want to keep writing on in my own life book and some of your roles have ended. There will be no severance packages, your temporary roles through this journey are payment enough.

Collide

I would do amazing things to you. You could do beautiful things to me. Take the words as they are, or completely reinvent them. I mean them as they are said. Yet there may possibly be other meanings hidden within each of those words. The possibilities are endless and could shatter us. Beautifully, skillfully, it could stir the universe. It could also break one of our beings. Both of our beings. Either way, it would be perfect in that one moment. Whether it come and go or last a little while longer. All we need is that one moment to collide.

A Little Bit of Me.

I have been writing and storing posts that eventually get deleted before they make it out in the world. I did not feel serious enough to expose any of them. I am feeling light hearted and silly. I did not feel like getting into the deep and heavy. Instead here are random facts about me.

1. I love hot tea. 

2. Dandelions are incredible. I dig them. A lot.

3. Hospital socks make me happy.

4. Singing is amazing and I do it all the time. If I am feeling a little down, I turn things into a song. I also do this when I am happy. I pretty much do it all the time. On another note, I do not do this well. 

5. I think I am hilarious. I make myself laugh, hard, several times a day. 

6. I am a fan of dancing. I like to dance, often. 

7. Those red notification circles on my phone bother me. 

8. I like to do laundry and I do not mind folding clothes. 

9. I enjoy reading. It is like living a different life, temporarily, one page at a time.

10. The best thing I have ever written is an ongoing project in my mind. 

11. I bruise easily. On any given day my legs look like a child's. 

12. I am terrible at surprising people and I cannot buy gifts in advance without telling people what it was that I got them. 

13. I still plan on going to Africa. Before I can do this I need to get a real job that pays me real money. No more Krabby Bucks.

14. I prefer the company of animals over people. Animals are always genuine. 

15. I graduated from college. Twice. 

16. I think playing in the mud is pretty rad. 

17. I wish more people said rad. 

18. My son is the coolest and funniest dude. 

19. I read to my son every day. He also reads to me. 

20. I sometimes do things that are not socially acceptable and that is okay with me. I have fun doing it and that is all that matters. 

Beyond these things, there are millions of other little and big aspects of me that make me who I am. I have incredible people in my life that contribute to my world and who I am today. I love them and all their little bits of crazy. Apparently they must feel the same way about me because they have been by my side for my whole life or the majority of it. So let's keep at it and do more crazy. 

Tight Pants, Half Shirts, And Hook Ups

I am a 28 year old single mother. I am still quite young. However, there are times, such as last night, when I feel old and out of place. My friend and I went to a bar to see a band play, that I wanted to see. She came with me because she is a true friend. She may not have wanted to see the band and she may not be fond of the agenda. I know. Anyhow, here we are, at the bar and another friend comes to join us. Good stuff. As I am looking around at everyone else in the place and out on the street, I start to wonder what happened. When did pants get so tight and high waisted? When did said pants begin to get coupled with the half shirt? When did I get old and uncool? The clothing mentioned is not terrible, but just know that it does not look good on everyone. Maybe a quarter of people rocking that outfit looks good in it. Maybe. For me, I cannot pull it off. Or I guess I should say that I am not even going to try.

Like I said, I am looking around the place, talking with my girls, and starting to think that we might be a little out of place. All these young gals in their high waisted, tight, skinny jeans/ glossy leotards, and tiny shirts, and us... In clothes. Whole clothes, fitting clothes, we are comfortable. So comfortable that I was actually wearing my pajama shirt. No one knew and I was good. We listened to the band play. The Flesh Pets. I thought they sounded good. I am glad that I got to see them play. I had a great time out, to tell the truth.

But as we are there and I am getting the impression that I am too old for the crowd, it hits me that I do not feel old because I don't dress like these girls do. I feel old because I am no longer interested the things that these ladies are just now getting into. Hook ups.

We live in a society that loves instant gratification. For sure. I want it and I want it right now. If I get what I want right in this moment, I will discard it almost immediately afterward because it wasn't everything I hoped it would be. It wasn't perfect. If I have to put a little effort into maintaining what I wanted and keeping it, screw it. I don't want to work at it. I just want it to be perfect... As is! Out and onto the next. People are easily disposed of in society today. People do not connect and people do not try to make anything work. This is not true about everyone, but a lot of them. And why? Because they freaking can! Enough said.

I look at this girl last night. Damn, she loves him. It is sad (For her, not for me). Okay, maybe a little sad for me, but only because I know that feeling. She is in love with a man that won't love her back, for whatever reason. I do not even know their story, history, anything. All I know is that she is hopelessly devoted and in love with a man that may or may not realize that he is stringing her along. She follows him around nearly everywhere he goes and spends the rest of the time staring at him with these love sick eyes. She wants him for herself. For keeps. It almost seems (as an outsider perspective and not based on actual information) as though he values their friendship, but enjoys the perks of her devotion. He is not an asshole. She is just as much, if not more, to blame. I know this. I have been there. I am there. But there comes a time when that is not enough. You don't know what you want? I get that. I got it. I am not okay anymore with being something you try to hold onto for comfort, and maybe some bullshit ego inflation, while you try to figure it out. I am better than that and if that other person does not feel that way or see it, they can find some thoughtless vagina void at bar close any random night of the week. The hooking up is not for me. I am not going to warm your sheets while you attempt to figure out your world. Maybe it works for other people. I am not that person. It is not the lifestyle I am choosing. I warm my own sheets fine by myself. Truly connecting with someone and writing my own personal fairy tale is what I am after. If that means the ups and downs mixed with endless talks, work, sacrifice, and compromises, that is fine by me. I have never been afraid to work for something, especially if that something is worth having in the first place.

Kindness of a Stranger

Friday evening I left work and was headed home. I needed to use the bathroom. Badly. I only had a certain amount of time before I had to be across town and I was already behind. Here I am driving home, practically holding myself, knowing that when I get in the house I need to let out Miro (my pup), go to the bathroom, change my clothes, and get back on the road. I am driving down the highway and I am about to merge from one highway to another. As I am in this merging process, I see this gigantic bug flying right toward my windshield. I was thinking that it would see me coming and fly over. Nope. I was wrong. That big, flying, beast of a bug collides with my windshield. It certainly left a mark. I think that I can just use the windshield wiper fluid and it will wipe away. Yeah... No, again. Whatever made up that hummingbird sized insect was something quite similar to cement. It stayed where it was and a little of the rest smeared across my windshield. What the heck? I go through the rest of that day and the whole next day with this huge bug smear on my windshield.

Today, I am up early, as usual, and have errands to run. I stop at the gas station and try to wipe the remains off my car. I am also checking that the paint that was sprayed on my car yesterday is really going to come off. (Yes, it will, but that is going to have to be arm day...) I am out of my car and wiping the windshield.

Somehow I managed to rip one of the wiper blades off. In two parts. I am standing there wondering how this even happened. I don't even remember touching the freaking wiper blades. I am messing around with it trying to figure out how to put it back together and get it on the car. I am also still holding the window cleaning contraption. I probably looked awesome. I am in my own zone and swearing inside my mind. I sort of get it back on, but make a mental note not to use the wipers until I get home and really fix it. I get in my car and send a quick random text that says, "I think I broke my wiper." I decide to get back out of the car. I am going to fix that wiper! It looks overcast. With my luck it will start pouring as soon as I pull out of the gas station. I am messing with it some more. This whole ordeal was only about 10 minutes. It was frustrating and I was absolutely confused as to how to fix this issue. Then out of nowhere a man appears. He asked if I needed help. I laugh and told him that I thought I broke my wiper. Yep, I look like an idiot now. I can be handy, but apparently not today. Now I look like a helpless fool. It is a windshield wiper. I wasn't trying to build a car. At this point I feel like a moron. He comes over to my car and starts trying to mess with that one stubborn wiper blade. I figure he will pop it right on and we will be on our way. Wrong. He is struggling to figure it out. So he then walks to the other side of the car to look at my wonderfully intact wiper.
What does he do? Well he decides to take my other wiper off and put it into two parts also. He was so kind. However, in my mind I am thinking that now I am going to be leaving the gas station with no wipers. He is struggling to get them back together. He made a couple grunting noises with the effort he was using. I start feeling like a total jerk. I magically have torn off my one wiper, he comes over to help, and next thing we know it is like we are trying to reconstruct my entire car. He is putting so much effort into this that I feel bad that he was kind enough to ask if I needed help. He gets the one back together and back on. Then he is back to the one that was the initial problem. He tells me that his daughter drives a car like mine and they go forever. I told him that they are great and I love mine. Making small talk. I start wondering if he is helping me because I remind him of his daughter and he would want someone to help her if she was having an issue with her car. Then I wonder if he is making the mistake that everyone seems to make... In thinking that I am closer to 18 than I am to 30. Here he is helping me and I am judging WHY he is helping me. Strangers rarely are kind and do not often want to offer to lend a hand or help another person. That is why I was judging his motives to help. Anyhow, he gets my other wiper blade together and back on my car. I thanked him several times and apologized for it being such a pain. He was still kind to me in the end and did not throw my wiper blades at me because they wasted much of his time. Whatever the reason was for him helping me, I do appreciate it. There is little left of that in this world. So thank you, sir. I am now prepared if it decides to rain.

Feeling the Crash

I spent much of the last week feeling happy, free, at peace, among other warm and lovely feelings. That is not to say that I haven't experienced sadness, a sense of loss, loneliness, or similar feelings we like to shy away from. What I mean is that the majority of this time has been spent dancing to an upbeat tempo of happiness. I have enjoyed each moment, each encounter, and conversation. It has been so good.

I hopped up this morning ready to make the day mine. As the day wore on this swarm of sadness and loneliness engulfed me. I am still happy and well somewhere under this funk. I have myself wondering what it is exactly. Things are going well in my life. I have no major complaints. Nothing to whine about. I can try to push it aside and go about my business. I do not want to do that, though. I know I need to feel it and there is something to gain from it. I could reach out beyond it, but I am sinking in. Not in a depressing sense of drowning. More or less I want to feel it with my whole being. I want to be temporarily engulfed in these flames. Actually, it is more like an ice storm.

Other than that, my life this week...
Gabriel started first grade and now attends school all day. I took him to school his first day and walked him to class. I left and cried. For quite a while. He is 6 and growing to be an awesome little dude. I think he is beyond incredible. I tell him everyday. I tell him at least 50 times a day that I love him, that he is smart, funny, handsome, and amazing. My heart breaks a little that he is growing up. That each day he is closer to leaving home. He is my only and he is my baby. At the same time, I am beyond proud of the person he has become this far. Of the person he will grow to be. He has become the best parts of both of his worlds. He is a wonderful child. This milestone has been one that has made me smile and cry. I love him to the moon and back. Infinity, little man.

Soiled Sheets for Fair Weather Friends

A few years ago and several posts back, my best friend and I collaborated on a post. This post was the Jameson Items. A post that we decided to write together, while sipping Jameson. The post was regarding qualities that we would like to have in a future mate. Over the years, it seems as though neither of us have found a partner that possessed each of the qualities that we seek in another. In the last few weeks there has been at least one more quality (item, if you please) that I would like to find in a potential partner.
I do not want this person to be by my side only in fair weather. When times get the slightest bit rough, I need someone that can work with me and stand by my side. I can handle a monsoon. The least you can do is be able to make it through a cloudy day.
Not only do I want that person to be able to make it through the good and the bad, I want something more. Perhaps something not entirely suitable to mention in an open online blog post...
Soiled sheets.
I am not talking about wetting the bed or using the sheets as bath tissue. I can be a clean freak. I wash my sheets, for sure. What I am talking about is someone that is open to my cycle. You can know about it and are not scared of it. I am looking for a person that can be open to having me during those days of red. Not afraid to mess up the sheets.
I want to make it through occasionally stained sheets and dark skies.

Oh, also... A lot of cuddling.

Beyond the Aches

Today I have been in a bit of a haze. Not really thinking. I have more or less gone through the motions of the day. Work was busy, so I was constantly occupied throughout the day. When I got home, I settled into the grind of home life. After being in for a bit, I sat down and immediately decided to mow the lawn. I tackled the lawn and finished up covered in sweat and grass stained feet. I always end up with a sense of accomplishment after I mow the lawn. More or less it is like, "hell yeah, I did that by myself! I don't need a man."
As I said, I have pushed through the day in an almost robotic sense. One thing to the next. No, I am not avoiding anything. I simply have been a bit hazy.
Settling in for the night, I started thinking about how in a short period of time, people have been in my life and right back out. Normally, this would leave me thinking along the lines of, "what did I do?" Not now. I am okay with it. Sometimes we know what we want and if we don't see it in the other person, we move on. It's not you, it's not me. It is not what is necessary or needed at that particular moment. I can't fault someone for that and would hope that someone else would not fault me just the same. On the other hand, I will let you know. I will also move on. I am not going to contact you later on and try to pull you back in.
Today, in my haze, I know that I am a little lonely. I am definitely hormonal (I told you that I feel you on this). I am not sad. I am not a crying mess. In my life there is a lot to be grateful for and I am, for sure. Part of me aches. It is not enough to draw all of my focus. Only enough to know that somewhere inside, it exists. All I know is that when I wake up in the morning, I will conquer the day. I am here and ready to take it on. Feeling sorry for myself does not work for me any longer. I have an amazing son, pup, family, and friends. I am blessed. I have what truly matters in life.

Rambling of a Brain

19 July 2014
When you look in my eyes, my soul ignites. There are moments in which I refuse to gaze into your eyes, as I know it will consume me. It will tug on my heart. When you kiss me, it shakes my being. I slip into feeling. I whisper and plead within my mind that you will only kiss me truly. Not kiss me because it seems to be the only option. Kiss me because you long to do so. Or do not kiss me at all.

I sometimes believe that I have gotten myself in over my head. I fall in easily. I often care too much. I take in all of the feelings. I break my own heart more often than not. I feel with my whole heart. When I love, I love fully. I have let this love blind me from what was true. I have drowned in love.

I don't want to be part of a game.

I was recently (as of last night) told that I cannot reverse my feelings. Meaning that I have them now and cannot will them away. I like to think otherwise. I know that she was right when she said that to me. She is always the one willing to tell me what I already know, but do not wish to believe. Thank you!

Distance. To save myself, I recognize that I start to pull away. From the person, the feeling, it all. I do not want to be all in when I know that it is only going to hurt. I do not want to be a convenience. I am a lover. I love and give fully. I am not trying to win you. This is who I am.

Maybe you do not see it. I am not going to make you. You either will or you won't. Won't. You won't see me. You won't know me. You won't look beyond what you think you already know. Don't. It isn't you. It isn't me. It just isn't. Simply. It won't be. It won't work. I won't be consumed this time.

20 July 2014

I took the time today to look myself in the eyes. Today they are grey. Deep. Beautiful. We have seen many things. They have been in love and they have been pained. They look deeply. When they look into your eyes, they are looking to see your heart. When they avoid your eyes, they are looking to avoid spilling mine.
Yesterday, I was told that I am gorgeous. I laughed it off. I have never learned how to take a compliment. At my laughter, the other party told me that each morning when I wake up that I should know and believe that I am gorgeous and if I don't, well then they just do not understand. Thank you. That was oh so sweet and I probably needed to hear such.
I would not say that I believe I am gorgeous. I look fine. However, I think my true beauty lies further under my skin. It resides in my head and more so in my heart.
I have been on a serious emotional up and down for the last couple weeks. Most days I wake up in a cloudy funk, but by the time I am ready to tackle the day, I am ready to take on the world. Other days I spend the entire day blinded by the fog in my brain.
Today has started off hazy. Melancholy. Not depressive, but thoughtful. Pensive. Maybe it is the overcast sky, the alignment of the planets, or my brain. Perhaps a nice little helping of them all.

22 July 2014

Vulnerable. This is not a state that I often put myself in. It can be frightening and there is a great deal of uncertainty in what may come from opening myself up and becoming vulnerable. As of lately, I have opened myself up gradually and exposed my inner workings to those that I surround myself with. 

Generally this exposure is quite the rare occurrence. I either put on my happy face and tell the world we are okay. Or I isolate, so I do not have to say anything at all. 

I have allowed myself to get a little more uncomfortable. To tell the truth, it is not nearly as bad as it seems. If I have told you how I truly feel, don't take it for granted, because I do not take it lightly. If I choose to open myself to you, it means that I am letting you in. I am breaking down the walls that I have skillfully built, in order to offer a part of myself to you. 

There were no take backs. I showed you me. The core. Raw. 

You can take it or leave it. If you so choose to leave it, then as another feeling, breathing, bleeding human, with a heart, the kindness in doing so would be to state that intention. Leaving it open with no response. Nothing. To me, that is considered rude. So you have it. Do as you wish.

Impersonal Touch through Technology

My last two posts were on a more personal level. Today, I simply needed an outlet for venting what has been spinning through my mind today. I have been thinking that in society today that everything has become impersonal and completely disconnected. Yes, there are pros to this, but I believe that there are far more cons.
Technology has made it to where we do not have to interact with other humans anymore. I am just as guilty as the next person. I do love having my iPhone, my computer, and Netflix. I have everything I need just a tap or click away. What more is there to want? Right? There have been times (as I can be a recluse) in which I absolutely loved having all of this technology.
Today, and in recent months, I have felt the weight of this burden. The burden of technology and the burden of human interaction slowly slipping away. Come September, I have been without a Facebook page for two years. The horror! Haha! Seriously though, without having this, I have shunned myself from the world. I still have a phone. I still can make and receive phone calls and text messages. I still have the same phone number that I have had for the last 12 years. I have lived at the same address for over 7 and a half years. I have not gone anywhere. I have not moved into the desert without any means of being contacted. I simply do not have a Facebook profile.
My post from 2 weeks ago, I mentioned going out with a best friend for her bachelorette party. While we were out, she told me that she missed me and that I should get a Facebook again so we can stay in touch better. I told her that she can call me or send me a text message and she let me know that doing that was too much work because she is already always on Facebook and could just pop a message my way.
I do not know how much Facebook has changed in the last nearly two years, but sending a text message is incredibly easy. Or it is for me.
Without a Facebook, I do not know what is going on with friends or family. I call, send text messages, and pictures of my growing son to those that I think may be interested in hearing from me.
I do not want a Facebook. I do not need a Facebook. I have enjoyed this time in not having one. My family and some friends catch me up on the occasional drama that occurs in the social networking world. On the other side of it, I tried to download an application from the Apple App Store yesterday and found out that I HAVE to have a Facebook to use it. It did not tell me before I downloaded it that I needed a Facebook account. I did not find out until it was already loaded onto my phone and I went to use the application. Needless to say, it got deleted. Seriously? That is the only way to log in. Sigh. Oh well.
That aside, what really bothers me is that we do not have to talk to people anymore. We can send a quick text message. Which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. I still do enjoy the random phone call. The card or letter coming in the post.
With technology, it seems like we stopped caring about feeling. With technology, dating is nearly impossible and ridiculously impersonal. Just shoot me a text message, tell me to have a great day, and do it again tomorrow. Freaking awesome. Or I send you a text message and never get a reply. Yes, life is busy and things happen. I am guilty of not sending a prompt reply. I am guilty of taking days to reply. This is not because I am being a dick. This is because of many reasons. Sometimes I get busy and the message gets pushed down. More often than not I reply, think I tapped 'Send' and go about my day. Eventually I start to wonder why that a-hole never responded to me. Oops! That is because I am the a-hole and have the message still sitting there waiting for it's journey to the other side. Yes, okay, I never said I was perfect. I did mention that I was guilty of this, as much as the next fella.
I apologize, my thoughts were not completely collected in an organized manner prior to starting this post.
 I am learning that we can easily cast things and people aside much more quickly through technology. Why talk about any issues or why tell someone you think it is best to part ways? We have this amazing bit of technology that makes it easy to ignore someone. Holy cow. Send me a text message and tell me, "Hey. It has been great, but I am going to go my way and you should probably go your way." Thank goodness for that bit of honesty. Now I can move forward and not be wondering what the heck is going on.
What really is bothering me is that my class reunion for our 10 years was this last weekend. Or through yesterday. I was not invited to this event. Nor were several other people that I still am in contact with from high school. Apparently there was a private and select group or event created on Facebook to invite a select group of people to the reunion. I was not invited, as I just mentioned. Maybe because I do not have a Facebook. To be honest, I do not know that I would have been invited even if I did. I do not know that I was part of the right crowd. I doubt I was. I would not have even gone, had I been invited. It is just the lack of thought that bothers me.
Each year when I have my son's birthday (he turned 6 this year), I mail out invitations. Through the actual post. We have a party and afterward, I handwrite thank you cards and again sent them through the post to the person's home address. I also do this around Christmas and the coming year. I love to send post. I love to get it. I love a good phone call. A quick text message is just as good. I love to see the person I am talking to. Be able to reach out and touch them, if it is necessary to do so, or the urge strikes me. To see their face and get an idea of how they REALLY are. To actually know I am being heard and for that person to know I am hearing them.
Technology is a blessing. I definitely am a fan of it. At 1 in the morning, when I cannot sleep, have finished reading the current book, and am ready for something new, I can turn on my nook and borrow a book, right that moment, from the library or download the e-book from amazon. I also enjoy it when I want to catch up on some silly show. I can turn on my Netflix and watch 4 straight episodes until my eyelids begin to droop. I do not have to wait for weeks to see an episode of something.
On the other hand, I think that it is starting to pull us apart from one another. What I am saying is, I miss you humans. Send me a letter or call me up. Ask to meet at the book store or to have a quick drink.
xo

Drummer Girl

Two weeks ago, I posted my last entry. Since then, I have done what it is that I have needed to do for quite some time. I have been talking with friends and meeting up with friends. It has made a big difference. I have enjoyed being in contact with all my girls (women, I mean!). Common themes have been occurring within each of our lives.
It has to deal with love. Or the lack of true love. Forgive me, I am currently catching up on Once Upon a Time on Netflix. We have all, at one time or another, perhaps even several times, settled for a love much less than we deserve. We have all done this for our own personal reasons. My reason is believing in the love, the brighter side of it, and believing that change is possible. Now, I am not saying change is not possible. However, in order for change to be possible, the individual has to be willing to do so. Someone will not change simply because I believe that they are able to change.

That is not the point of this rant.
I know that this true fairy tale type of love exists out there. I know that each person deserves this love. I know I deserve this love.

I have been consciously and unconsciously pushing myself. More or less pushing myself to find me. Or I suppose to find what it is that I believe I want and/or need. I want to love and be loved. Not enough to settle for less than I know I deserve. It has been quite a while since I have been in a real relationship. It has been even longer since I have been in a relationship in which I could see a future with the other person. I have had my heart broken. As I have broken a heart or two, including my own.
Though this heart break that has occurred throughout my life, it has given me more depth and insight. It has only helped to fuel the fire in my heart and soul. Not in a negative aspect, but in a positive way. I have seen my own darkness. I have thrown gas on the inferno inside my soul. I have gone through periods in my life when I believed I was being punished, damned, and in which I knew I was only punishing myself. I have been through hell and come out again. Brighter, lighter, and stronger.
I know what I seek is out in the world. I know that I will find it when the time is right. I know that it will help me to continue to grow and strengthen me. I no longer will try to force it to be. When it comes, I will be ready and I will know. Until then, I am beating to the rhythm and drum of my heart. My love for me and my life. Through the good and the bad, the ice and the fire, I am worth what I seek. As are you.

Stating My Needs

Slightly more than a month has passed since I met him. Let me pause now. In order to move forward with this, I suppose it would be important to go to the initial contact.
Saturday night, I was out with a best friend and several other ladies. This particular night out was to celebrate her engagement and coming marriage. The established practice of the bachelorette party. To be honest, I had looked forward to this outing. It had been quite some time since she and I had gotten together. Not to mention the fact that I am a single woman that does not get out quite as often as I ought to do.  Over the course of the night, we consumed our fair share of alcohol. Some perhaps more than their  fair share. Throughout the night, I connected with these ladies,  danced, and let go. Toward the end of the night our group met up with the bachelor party. This is how we met.
Several times through the night, he attempted to strike up a conversation. These conversations were repeatedly interrupted. To end the night, I drove him home. He invited me in and I declined. That was not where I was, mentally or emotionally, at that moment. He did ask for my number and I gave it to him. He did send me a text message the next day. I was busy and it slipped my mind. Life happens. After work on Monday I received a message from the previously mentioned best friend. She was telling me that I should reply to him whether or not I am interested. I agree, that is only fair.
I do reply back to him. I believe (though I have no proof), that I apologized for my lack of communication. We began talking at this point.
Now that I am caught up, it did not go as I had thought. I will be the first to admit that I made the mistake in those thoughts. Expectations. It gets me more often than not. I was initially cautious. I was wrongly under the assumption (again, my mistake), that he was perhaps looking for something more serious. I do not want to get pulled along, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I did not want to hurt him, specifically.
Cautious. Sigh. I should have stuck to this method. However, I am always the one to be cautious. As we talked and spent fleeting moments together, I began to realize that I did like him. I actually did. As much as I had previously thought it could be me doing the heart breaking, I hadn't the slightest concern for what else could come. Silly girl. I thought it was going smoothly.
A week ago, I started to sense that it was a bit off. I became aware that he was pulling out. Being who I am, I was confused. Hurt. More the former than the latter. On a side note, I can admit that I am a bit of a bleeding heart. Emotionally driven at times.
This is when I needed to have voiced my concerns. Scratch that, it was not a concern at all. What I mean is that I could have used the opportunity to express myself. I ended up talking myself out of doing so because I did not want to come across as needy. Looking back, stating my wants and needs is not needy at all. Having done so would have been standing up for what I want. Expressing where I am in life and what I am looking for is powerful. I would have been taking care of me. This is my life. Before we got to me ever saying anything, he let me know that he was not sure what he wanted. Again, I let the chance to be heard slip through silently on my breath and accepted it as it was. I understand. I have been there before. I do like you. Blah, blah, blah. I meant what I said, but it is in what I did not actually say that is what really matters. I am worth more than someone not knowing whether or not I am worth their time. Get it together, Tea.
Last night I had the amazing opportunity to meet up with two different friends. Surprisingly enough (or not) we are all in the same position.
After much talking through the evening, she and I realized that we know what it is that is happening. However, it is one point to know and another to practice.
At this point, if I  continue to cast my needs to the side, I will only continue to allow for it to happen. I'd like to believe that people would simply be up front, open, and honest from the start. If you do not wish to drag someone along, then don't. It is not your fault. I/we play a role in accepting to be pulled. I do not think it will cease until we say no.
When I am actually interested in another human ( which is not too often), I am more than willing to go all in. In this case, I assumed what was in store would be different. Talking about kids? Of course I said I did not want them in that moment. I am already a single mother. Am I opposed to having more children? Absolutely not. I do think it is a decision that a couple makes together.  It has been a learning experience. I am grateful. I know what I am looking for and cannot allow for myself to  accept  less. If you are unable to see what is here, it is not right that I should have to prove this to you.