Sunday, November 2, 2014

A Literal and Metaphorical Tumble Down the Stairs

It was necessary for me to do. It was only building into a nearly insurmountable swell of feeling. Perhaps the alcohol pushed me over that tip. It is possible that it merely intensified the feeling or it might be that it simply made me brave. I finally found the courage to stand up for my heart. I told you how I felt. I told you what I thought. I told you it all. Or the majority of it, anyway. I let you know that I have deep feelings that I cannot help. That there was love in my heart set aside for you and you alone. There was and is only you. I do not need you. Don't be fooled by those words. What I meant and expressed is that I take care of myself, my son, my life, it all, on my own. I do not need someone to get through this life. I wanted you. I want you. There is a difference. I do not need you. I want you. I want to share our lives. Am I the best possible option for you? Maybe. Maybe not. Are you the best option for me? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We will never know without trying.  I, of all people, understand that it is scary to feel this way for someone else. Nothing in life is guaranteed or promised to us. Life itself is day to day. Tomorrow might never arrive. I told you that I had wanted to give you everything. Damn Jameson. Some of the words that spilled from my mouth might have been better to hold in. It is too late now and I know I would not take back anything I said. I meant every single word. 
I am not afraid to try. I know that there is the possibility of heartache if we jumped in completely. At the same time, I know that heartache will come if we never tried. Will it be forever? There is no way to know. As I stated already, nothing is promised. I am not afraid. I would rather find out than spend countless hours, days, whatever duration it may be, wondering about the possibility, potential. I expressed that this is who I am, raw and vulnerable. I will always be who I am and I will not ever pretend to be anything other than me. 
Now you know and I am relieved. To some extent. My heart still sits a little heavy. I am not entirely sure of the outcome. Too much alcohol and that severe brain hurt through a large portion of this morning and afternoon did not help to clarify. Either way, I said what needed saying. I stood strong for my heart, that has always fought fiercely for me. I do apologize for the alcohol fueled outburst of the emotionally charged verbal diarrhea. I am sure there may have been a better time and place for the conversation. However, you did begin the conversation and I was honest. I made myself raw and vulnerable. I was me. Or at least a slightly intoxicated version of me. My words still hold true. Even after all of the alcohol has cleared my body and that serious ache has eased in my head. I meant each word. I am a little lighter knowing that you now know and for no longer carrying that around in my heart. 
Beyond that bit of intensity for the early morning hours, I also showed you that I am awkward, clumsy at times, and absolutely ridiculous. That is who I am. 

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