Sunday, August 17, 2014

Kindness of a Stranger

Friday evening I left work and was headed home. I needed to use the bathroom. Badly. I only had a certain amount of time before I had to be across town and I was already behind. Here I am driving home, practically holding myself, knowing that when I get in the house I need to let out Miro (my pup), go to the bathroom, change my clothes, and get back on the road. I am driving down the highway and I am about to merge from one highway to another. As I am in this merging process, I see this gigantic bug flying right toward my windshield. I was thinking that it would see me coming and fly over. Nope. I was wrong. That big, flying, beast of a bug collides with my windshield. It certainly left a mark. I think that I can just use the windshield wiper fluid and it will wipe away. Yeah... No, again. Whatever made up that hummingbird sized insect was something quite similar to cement. It stayed where it was and a little of the rest smeared across my windshield. What the heck? I go through the rest of that day and the whole next day with this huge bug smear on my windshield.

Today, I am up early, as usual, and have errands to run. I stop at the gas station and try to wipe the remains off my car. I am also checking that the paint that was sprayed on my car yesterday is really going to come off. (Yes, it will, but that is going to have to be arm day...) I am out of my car and wiping the windshield.

Somehow I managed to rip one of the wiper blades off. In two parts. I am standing there wondering how this even happened. I don't even remember touching the freaking wiper blades. I am messing around with it trying to figure out how to put it back together and get it on the car. I am also still holding the window cleaning contraption. I probably looked awesome. I am in my own zone and swearing inside my mind. I sort of get it back on, but make a mental note not to use the wipers until I get home and really fix it. I get in my car and send a quick random text that says, "I think I broke my wiper." I decide to get back out of the car. I am going to fix that wiper! It looks overcast. With my luck it will start pouring as soon as I pull out of the gas station. I am messing with it some more. This whole ordeal was only about 10 minutes. It was frustrating and I was absolutely confused as to how to fix this issue. Then out of nowhere a man appears. He asked if I needed help. I laugh and told him that I thought I broke my wiper. Yep, I look like an idiot now. I can be handy, but apparently not today. Now I look like a helpless fool. It is a windshield wiper. I wasn't trying to build a car. At this point I feel like a moron. He comes over to my car and starts trying to mess with that one stubborn wiper blade. I figure he will pop it right on and we will be on our way. Wrong. He is struggling to figure it out. So he then walks to the other side of the car to look at my wonderfully intact wiper.
What does he do? Well he decides to take my other wiper off and put it into two parts also. He was so kind. However, in my mind I am thinking that now I am going to be leaving the gas station with no wipers. He is struggling to get them back together. He made a couple grunting noises with the effort he was using. I start feeling like a total jerk. I magically have torn off my one wiper, he comes over to help, and next thing we know it is like we are trying to reconstruct my entire car. He is putting so much effort into this that I feel bad that he was kind enough to ask if I needed help. He gets the one back together and back on. Then he is back to the one that was the initial problem. He tells me that his daughter drives a car like mine and they go forever. I told him that they are great and I love mine. Making small talk. I start wondering if he is helping me because I remind him of his daughter and he would want someone to help her if she was having an issue with her car. Then I wonder if he is making the mistake that everyone seems to make... In thinking that I am closer to 18 than I am to 30. Here he is helping me and I am judging WHY he is helping me. Strangers rarely are kind and do not often want to offer to lend a hand or help another person. That is why I was judging his motives to help. Anyhow, he gets my other wiper blade together and back on my car. I thanked him several times and apologized for it being such a pain. He was still kind to me in the end and did not throw my wiper blades at me because they wasted much of his time. Whatever the reason was for him helping me, I do appreciate it. There is little left of that in this world. So thank you, sir. I am now prepared if it decides to rain.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Feeling the Crash

I spent much of the last week feeling happy, free, at peace, among other warm and lovely feelings. That is not to say that I haven't experienced sadness, a sense of loss, loneliness, or similar feelings we like to shy away from. What I mean is that the majority of this time has been spent dancing to an upbeat tempo of happiness. I have enjoyed each moment, each encounter, and conversation. It has been so good.

I hopped up this morning ready to make the day mine. As the day wore on this swarm of sadness and loneliness engulfed me. I am still happy and well somewhere under this funk. I have myself wondering what it is exactly. Things are going well in my life. I have no major complaints. Nothing to whine about. I can try to push it aside and go about my business. I do not want to do that, though. I know I need to feel it and there is something to gain from it. I could reach out beyond it, but I am sinking in. Not in a depressing sense of drowning. More or less I want to feel it with my whole being. I want to be temporarily engulfed in these flames. Actually, it is more like an ice storm.

Other than that, my life this week...
Gabriel started first grade and now attends school all day. I took him to school his first day and walked him to class. I left and cried. For quite a while. He is 6 and growing to be an awesome little dude. I think he is beyond incredible. I tell him everyday. I tell him at least 50 times a day that I love him, that he is smart, funny, handsome, and amazing. My heart breaks a little that he is growing up. That each day he is closer to leaving home. He is my only and he is my baby. At the same time, I am beyond proud of the person he has become this far. Of the person he will grow to be. He has become the best parts of both of his worlds. He is a wonderful child. This milestone has been one that has made me smile and cry. I love him to the moon and back. Infinity, little man.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Soiled Sheets for Fair Weather Friends

A few years ago and several posts back, my best friend and I collaborated on a post. This post was the Jameson Items. A post that we decided to write together, while sipping Jameson. The post was regarding qualities that we would like to have in a future mate. Over the years, it seems as though neither of us have found a partner that possessed each of the qualities that we seek in another. In the last few weeks there has been at least one more quality (item, if you please) that I would like to find in a potential partner.
I do not want this person to be by my side only in fair weather. When times get the slightest bit rough, I need someone that can work with me and stand by my side. I can handle a monsoon. The least you can do is be able to make it through a cloudy day.
Not only do I want that person to be able to make it through the good and the bad, I want something more. Perhaps something not entirely suitable to mention in an open online blog post...
Soiled sheets.
I am not talking about wetting the bed or using the sheets as bath tissue. I can be a clean freak. I wash my sheets, for sure. What I am talking about is someone that is open to my cycle. You can know about it and are not scared of it. I am looking for a person that can be open to having me during those days of red. Not afraid to mess up the sheets.
I want to make it through occasionally stained sheets and dark skies.

Oh, also... A lot of cuddling.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Beyond the Aches

Today I have been in a bit of a haze. Not really thinking. I have more or less gone through the motions of the day. Work was busy, so I was constantly occupied throughout the day. When I got home, I settled into the grind of home life. After being in for a bit, I sat down and immediately decided to mow the lawn. I tackled the lawn and finished up covered in sweat and grass stained feet. I always end up with a sense of accomplishment after I mow the lawn. More or less it is like, "hell yeah, I did that by myself! I don't need a man."
As I said, I have pushed through the day in an almost robotic sense. One thing to the next. No, I am not avoiding anything. I simply have been a bit hazy.
Settling in for the night, I started thinking about how in a short period of time, people have been in my life and right back out. Normally, this would leave me thinking along the lines of, "what did I do?" Not now. I am okay with it. Sometimes we know what we want and if we don't see it in the other person, we move on. It's not you, it's not me. It is not what is necessary or needed at that particular moment. I can't fault someone for that and would hope that someone else would not fault me just the same. On the other hand, I will let you know. I will also move on. I am not going to contact you later on and try to pull you back in.
Today, in my haze, I know that I am a little lonely. I am definitely hormonal (I told you that I feel you on this). I am not sad. I am not a crying mess. In my life there is a lot to be grateful for and I am, for sure. Part of me aches. It is not enough to draw all of my focus. Only enough to know that somewhere inside, it exists. All I know is that when I wake up in the morning, I will conquer the day. I am here and ready to take it on. Feeling sorry for myself does not work for me any longer. I have an amazing son, pup, family, and friends. I am blessed. I have what truly matters in life.