Sunday, September 7, 2014

Tight Pants, Half Shirts, And Hook Ups

I am a 28 year old single mother. I am still quite young. However, there are times, such as last night, when I feel old and out of place. My friend and I went to a bar to see a band play, that I wanted to see. She came with me because she is a true friend. She may not have wanted to see the band and she may not be fond of the agenda. I know. Anyhow, here we are, at the bar and another friend comes to join us. Good stuff. As I am looking around at everyone else in the place and out on the street, I start to wonder what happened. When did pants get so tight and high waisted? When did said pants begin to get coupled with the half shirt? When did I get old and uncool? The clothing mentioned is not terrible, but just know that it does not look good on everyone. Maybe a quarter of people rocking that outfit looks good in it. Maybe. For me, I cannot pull it off. Or I guess I should say that I am not even going to try.

Like I said, I am looking around the place, talking with my girls, and starting to think that we might be a little out of place. All these young gals in their high waisted, tight, skinny jeans/ glossy leotards, and tiny shirts, and us... In clothes. Whole clothes, fitting clothes, we are comfortable. So comfortable that I was actually wearing my pajama shirt. No one knew and I was good. We listened to the band play. The Flesh Pets. I thought they sounded good. I am glad that I got to see them play. I had a great time out, to tell the truth.

But as we are there and I am getting the impression that I am too old for the crowd, it hits me that I do not feel old because I don't dress like these girls do. I feel old because I am no longer interested the things that these ladies are just now getting into. Hook ups.

We live in a society that loves instant gratification. For sure. I want it and I want it right now. If I get what I want right in this moment, I will discard it almost immediately afterward because it wasn't everything I hoped it would be. It wasn't perfect. If I have to put a little effort into maintaining what I wanted and keeping it, screw it. I don't want to work at it. I just want it to be perfect... As is! Out and onto the next. People are easily disposed of in society today. People do not connect and people do not try to make anything work. This is not true about everyone, but a lot of them. And why? Because they freaking can! Enough said.

I look at this girl last night. Damn, she loves him. It is sad (For her, not for me). Okay, maybe a little sad for me, but only because I know that feeling. She is in love with a man that won't love her back, for whatever reason. I do not even know their story, history, anything. All I know is that she is hopelessly devoted and in love with a man that may or may not realize that he is stringing her along. She follows him around nearly everywhere he goes and spends the rest of the time staring at him with these love sick eyes. She wants him for herself. For keeps. It almost seems (as an outsider perspective and not based on actual information) as though he values their friendship, but enjoys the perks of her devotion. He is not an asshole. She is just as much, if not more, to blame. I know this. I have been there. I am there. But there comes a time when that is not enough. You don't know what you want? I get that. I got it. I am not okay anymore with being something you try to hold onto for comfort, and maybe some bullshit ego inflation, while you try to figure it out. I am better than that and if that other person does not feel that way or see it, they can find some thoughtless vagina void at bar close any random night of the week. The hooking up is not for me. I am not going to warm your sheets while you attempt to figure out your world. Maybe it works for other people. I am not that person. It is not the lifestyle I am choosing. I warm my own sheets fine by myself. Truly connecting with someone and writing my own personal fairy tale is what I am after. If that means the ups and downs mixed with endless talks, work, sacrifice, and compromises, that is fine by me. I have never been afraid to work for something, especially if that something is worth having in the first place.

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