Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rambling of a Brain

19 July 2014
When you look in my eyes, my soul ignites. There are moments in which I refuse to gaze into your eyes, as I know it will consume me. It will tug on my heart. When you kiss me, it shakes my being. I slip into feeling. I whisper and plead within my mind that you will only kiss me truly. Not kiss me because it seems to be the only option. Kiss me because you long to do so. Or do not kiss me at all.

I sometimes believe that I have gotten myself in over my head. I fall in easily. I often care too much. I take in all of the feelings. I break my own heart more often than not. I feel with my whole heart. When I love, I love fully. I have let this love blind me from what was true. I have drowned in love.

I don't want to be part of a game.

I was recently (as of last night) told that I cannot reverse my feelings. Meaning that I have them now and cannot will them away. I like to think otherwise. I know that she was right when she said that to me. She is always the one willing to tell me what I already know, but do not wish to believe. Thank you!

Distance. To save myself, I recognize that I start to pull away. From the person, the feeling, it all. I do not want to be all in when I know that it is only going to hurt. I do not want to be a convenience. I am a lover. I love and give fully. I am not trying to win you. This is who I am.

Maybe you do not see it. I am not going to make you. You either will or you won't. Won't. You won't see me. You won't know me. You won't look beyond what you think you already know. Don't. It isn't you. It isn't me. It just isn't. Simply. It won't be. It won't work. I won't be consumed this time.

20 July 2014

I took the time today to look myself in the eyes. Today they are grey. Deep. Beautiful. We have seen many things. They have been in love and they have been pained. They look deeply. When they look into your eyes, they are looking to see your heart. When they avoid your eyes, they are looking to avoid spilling mine.
Yesterday, I was told that I am gorgeous. I laughed it off. I have never learned how to take a compliment. At my laughter, the other party told me that each morning when I wake up that I should know and believe that I am gorgeous and if I don't, well then they just do not understand. Thank you. That was oh so sweet and I probably needed to hear such.
I would not say that I believe I am gorgeous. I look fine. However, I think my true beauty lies further under my skin. It resides in my head and more so in my heart.
I have been on a serious emotional up and down for the last couple weeks. Most days I wake up in a cloudy funk, but by the time I am ready to tackle the day, I am ready to take on the world. Other days I spend the entire day blinded by the fog in my brain.
Today has started off hazy. Melancholy. Not depressive, but thoughtful. Pensive. Maybe it is the overcast sky, the alignment of the planets, or my brain. Perhaps a nice little helping of them all.

22 July 2014

Vulnerable. This is not a state that I often put myself in. It can be frightening and there is a great deal of uncertainty in what may come from opening myself up and becoming vulnerable. As of lately, I have opened myself up gradually and exposed my inner workings to those that I surround myself with. 
Generally this exposure is quite the rare occurrence. I either put on my happy face and tell the world we are okay. Or I isolate, so I do not have to say anything at all. 
I have allowed myself to get a little more uncomfortable. To tell the truth, it is not nearly as bad as it seems. If I have told you how I truly feel, don't take it for granted, because I do not take it lightly. If I choose to open myself to you, it means that I am letting you in. I am breaking down the walls that I have skillfully built, in order to offer a part of myself to you. 
There were no take backs. I showed you me. The core. Raw. 

You can take it or leave it. If you so choose to leave it, then as another feeling, breathing, bleeding human, with a heart, the kindness in doing so would be to state that intention. Leaving it open with no response. Nothing. To me, that is considered rude. So you have it. Do as you wish.

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