Sunday, October 19, 2014

To My Heart

You have been beside me my entire life. You have always let me make my own decisions regardless of how badly you knew some of those choices would end. I have stood next to you through each decision you made, even when I knew that it would only hurt us eventually. Please do not misunderstand me, we have made many wonderful decisions together. In the end most of them have been painful. Some of them have been fantastically hurtful and lessons were learned. Each time we came out more badass than the last. It never mattered how hard we struggled, independently or together, we got stronger every single time. 

Together we have been through a great deal of heartache. Each time I tried to shy away from the next bit of pain, you pushed me forward. I am terrified at every encounter that makes you beat for the first time. You always press onward and pull me along. Sometimes I wonder if you are simply addicted to the defeating crush that waits down the line. I am growing to learn that you are the strongest and the most brave aspect of me. I know that you want the best for us both. I know that you will keep pushing us through wreckage until it no longer hurts. Until we find a way that will only make us smile and fall in love everyday without ending in an ache. 

I respect that about you. I think that it is beyond amazing that you love fully regardless of the ache that inevitably will come. And it does. It will. I am smart enough now that I no longer place blame on you because I think that you are intentionally causing us pain. I can see that you are one serious badass. You are strong, beautiful, determined, and such a rarity. We live in a harsh world that lacks love. Then there you are, continually pouring yourself out into the world and into those that come our way. You do this even though you know that it will not be reciprocated the majority of the time. Most would harden themselves to avoid the blow. Not you. You are one sick and amazing gem! 

People go through life impenetrable after that first heartbreak. Most people are unwilling to go through that again. Their loss. Love is one of the most incredible feelings. It is also one of the most destructive. There is no way to love and to not experience some amount of pain. It is simply not possible. It generally deters others from doing it time and time again. Those that give up after their first, second, or whatever subsequent heartbreak... I am only sad for them. They do not know what they are missing out on. Nothing is better than love. Nothing. To live without fully loving, is to only go through the motions of life. It isn't even living. 

You and I will  love and love again. A million times over. You are a beast. A damn majestic beast. The fucking unicorn. Some will say we are fools. I do not care what they think or say. We are living and loving, fully, to the end. You are my heart. 

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully said. In life, there is heartache, pain, and love... why bother with the heartache and pain if not for the amazing experience of love?! The only thing any of us can do is to make the decision to continue to live and love authentically, consequences be damned. For without the lows, how would we ever truly appreciate the highs? I love you, mamma. Thanks for continuing to remind me why I choose the conscious (albeit harder) road.